[▶] for safekeeping.

paralysis

Inspiration:
4 April 2017;
"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and
Just forget the world."
- Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol)
+ a talk with a friend that made me realise a number of things - I love you, and I'm sorry if I've seemed less engaged in things lately
22 January 2018;
numb.
-

• poem ○

Is it better to feel numb
or to feel pain

The doctors say I'm numb because
the receptors in my brain refuse the impulses
other parts of my body are sending

"to block the pain, prevent an excessive amount of it,"
they said.

but I'm not sure
is this really because of a matter of
disengaged synapses and faulty neurons
firing or nearly not firing at all?

Thrown myself into
melody after melody
scribbling down whatever flows from the caverns of my brain
Do you see the pages?
They're filled
with paragraph after phrase after word
of a haphazard, frantic haze, a rush.

Is there a good point
to this
It feels like it might all end in hurt
like I will hurt someone else
like I will hurt everyone
despite my best efforts

But do I have the right to hurt
when I've been so
despicable
despic-able
able
a b l e
of such apathy and unemotion

Do I have the right to say
"help me, please"
when all I've done is possibly
merely causing others to do just so
and all because of me

I miss the days when
every puzzle piece
fell into place
I didn't lose a piece
I wasn't left with an incomplete image
at the end of the day
one I had to throw -
away.

Yet I still sit here
the selfish fool that I am

I want to cry,
"Hold me.
Just stay here with me
no matter how long it takes
even if it seems like I do not care
even if I am too numb to cry tears
even if I cannot fathom my thoughts into proper words
for all they are is a blur
converging in a mess of
confusion"

"Stay with me
Hold my hand and please
don't let it slip
because I'm afraid that if you do
I will no longer be able to hang onto this grasp of reality
(or the little I have left that is already
slipping away)"

These words still fall from my lips
without soun-
-d
because I am too pathetic to want it
but too stupid to understand that
it isn't something I should be
asking for.

"save me
let me lie in your arms
till I fall asleep
till the world darkens
till I no longer remember or see or feel or hear or taste or smell -
till I disappear
into nothing
leaving not a trail behind in
your arms
because then, at least
I would have died without
an ounce of
regret."

- end -