[▶] for safekeeping.

wish

Inspiration:

NIKI - urs
Leon - Liar
EZI - anxious.
Clinton Kane - this is what being cheated on feels like

and the odd tranquility that comes the night after a fight, tears, and disresolution hanging in the balance - whilst a silent determination burns, vigilant and watching.
-

○ poem •

did I look normal today ?
it's been a strange
couple of days
it's not like I know how I come off to other people.
probably a jerk
something more
I don't know.
but nothing too good, I'm guessing.

I'm exhausted
reaching for heights I know I will never be able to reach
and it sucks, sometimes, knowing
that right now no one cares enough to look for me
when I've gone missing.
heck, my absence isn't even something they'd notice.

"heartbreak's on its way, nothing left to say"
and I don't think I've ever heard words that resounded more with me
at this given moment
you are a liar - every one of you is a liar
sometimes I don't know why I still try.
I give and I give and I give
and still I can never give enough
and I receive nothing.
I'm tired, that is obvious
but they don't know all of it
I'm not just tired because I'm spending so much time in school
or getting home late.

it's the exhaustion of having to bottle in my thoughts, day after day
trying to be something more for people who  couldn't and wouldn't care less about me.
nothing you say will change anything.

don't you see I'm hurting?

I have to go
and there is never enough time I can spend
resting on the weight of my own words
and waiting
for someone that will never come.

I think it's a step by step
some sort of sinking sadness, overwhelming diphthong
sits inside me, a hole bored down
the very core of my soul.
I'm not sure how to breathe.
at this point I really don't know what the problem could be other than myself.
maybe that's it.
the problem's me.
and that's all there is to it.

I don't know why I can never bring myself to make a move.
I know someone needs the help. I reach out.
but when I sense they need some time, I just sit aside.
I let them turn to whoever they need to turn to, and maybe that's
right
but I just feel like a piece of shit.
I'm never there for anyone anymore.
is it me?
I'm always open to conversation but
no one ever turns to me.
and so I turn to no one.

and even though I've never felt more loved,
I've also never felt more alone.

I fight the melting cascades of landslides in my mind
the swirling torrents of fear behind my eyes threatening to spill out in unforgiving waves
and I laugh at the pitiful mess I've become.
what is this?

...I'm a mess.

I guess I finally snapped that one day and I realised how truly alone I am in this world.
because the people I want to turn to don't have the time for me
and I can never finish saying what I want to say.
I spend the night sobbing my eyes out to you over the phone
but I never get to finish any of my sentences.

I've broken trust, I've caused doubts
I've left bad impressions on the people who've met me.
when did I become so insensitive and selfish and unpleasantly overbearing?
I hate who I am now -
and there's nothing more I want than to slash the veins on my arms open
and let them bleed all over this map of ties and connections I've established
start anew, start blood new.
clean, fresh.

...
I wish I had someone to talk to.
but what's a wish without any hope of fulfilling it at
all
?

I laugh,
but only in
sca tt  e  re d   st   a   ti   c
and my heart drops just as many beats
and I can't breathe
for a few seconds.

do you ever think about me..?

- fin -