[▶] for safekeeping.

i hate you. fuck you.

because ever since I stopped scoring straight As

I was never enough for you

even before then all my worth was limited to the stupid little letter printed on a grade sheet

nothing more, nothing at all

I was just letters and grades and your "future doctor to be"

you laughed when I said I didn't want to take over dad's clinic

even at 13 when I wanted to jump off a ledge and kill myself

you laughed and egged me to go on

(you're lucky I'm still here, but maybe that's why you think you can mistreat me all the more)

and you never cared.

none of you ever bothered to validate my feelings

even when I misheard him saying "bastard" one night

and he thought I called him a bastard

and he proceeded to lash out at me and I fled to the study terrified

I locked the door and didn't open it no matter what

because I remember how five years ago, when I opened the door

my brother came through barging in and immediately proceeded to clamp my nose and mouth shut

pressing against my face. suffocating me

ensuring I wouldn't l i  v e

I never forgave him even when he immediately apologised after that.

hypocrite. how could you not have been aware of what you were doing?

so I didn't open the door.

and then he proceeded to push you and fracture your wrist or whatever

and all of it was blamed on me.

am I a fucking joke to you?

youngest daughter hopes and dreams turned to smashes and bits and pieces and nothing like what you wanted her to be

so you turn her into the fucking scapegoat to lay all your sins and destruction upon.

now I'm the black sheep. and of course everything wrong will always be blamed on me.

now everyone else is a fucking angel dressed in the purest of pure fucking whites and I want to spit all over your faces for it.

absolutely disgusting.

the neighbours called the cops because of how much yelling and banging on the door there was.

I hate that I had to lie to a cop to their face and say it was my fault because you still had to earn money for the family, and we

"couldn't risk you being arrested"

(sometimes I still wonder what it would have been like if I had told the truth.

would I be free...?)

 when at the end of the night,

I still didn't really know what he said.

all I heard was "bastard".

what else could he have said..?

I still don't know.

I fucking hate it here.

and I proceeded to break away even more, because

of course I should. why shouldn't I?

I chose a subject you didn't want me to choose.

I went to a university you didn't want me to go to.

and now, whether you like it or not, I will leave this country

and leave you behind.

I will forge a life for myself outside of this godforsaken house and building and city.

I never want to see your face again.

yes, I take your servitude as just that. servitude.

I don't take it as your claim to loving me

because I don't believe it.

I stopped loving you five years ago and I have never loved you again.

I never will.

fuck you.

sometimes people hurt you in more ways than you can imagine