[▶] for safekeeping.

Him

Inspiration:

Reading makes your mind wander. Hehe.

(Picture to the side is from Tumblr, I do not own it - the original owner is unknown. If you know whose picture it is, please leave a comment and I'll credit them immediately. Thanks!)

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▪ short story ▪

Him.

Him.

Him, who always made me ever so frustrated.

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We are always bound to meet someone at least once in a lifetime that just seems to stick in your mind for more than just a while. Sometimes, it bugs you so much that you just want to explode.

And whenever you do meet that one person, your life is suddenly thrown off balance and you tend to find yourself struggling to grip onto something while being tossed and scrambled in a whirlwind of emotions.

And he was that one person.

Today, I think he is still completely oblivious as to how long I've liked him.

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It all began last June, when a massive crush on him extended its roots deep into my heart. It did waver and diminish overtime, but it never did fully go away. I couldn't give up on him, as stupid and useless as I knew it was. I still couldn't give up on him. I still hoped he reciprocated my feelings every single day. And maybe it was just me, but I kept feeling like he was drifting further and further away.

It hurt even more because everyone supported him dating, number one, a very, very close friend, and number two, some other girl who I didn't even know personally but whom I was incredibly jealous of. I guess I'd just done too good of a job at keeping all trace of my feelings hidden - even from the people closest to me. I was positive nobody knew of my affection for him, of how I tended to think of him even in the most fleeting of moments, of whether he actually ever noticed me, and of whether he actually thought about me sometimes.

Of whether he even cared.

And everyone supported his potential relationships with those two other girls so much, not a single person knowing of my pain everytime they brought up either one of the girls with the intention of purely poking fun. I knew they never meant any harm, but I could never help feeling hurt.

I used to be one of those girls, but in line with my personality, I built a mask. A mask so thick and firm and strong, which became so acquainted with my face overtime, nobody even knew it was a mask. A mask that hid my feelings for him and, in the process, protected my heart.

And gradually, 'we' were forgotten.

Except 'they' never suffered the same fate. If anything, the prospect of 'them' became stronger than ever with me out of the way. And everytime he denied 'them' and protested strongly against the idea of 'them', I could practically see the words he wasn't willing to say: I LOVE HER, BUT PLEASE DON'T LET HER KNOW. He was just like me - too afraid to show his feelings - yet he was unlike me - his affection for her was as obvious as a bright ball of sun in the middle of a dark room.

We used to have an endless number of things to talk about. It could be a childhood memory, or his favourite food and his various preferences.

Then, all of a sudden, it just stopped.

It was all just my wishful thinking, but for a moment I had just the slightest, tiniest hope, that perhaps, he liked me back too.

But I had long begun to doubt that.

Was it wrong to be so hung up over one person, who I rarely ever saw in real life because we never met up much? Was it wrong to think if he would like me in this outfit or that everytime I tried on a new one? I did know that it was wrong to be jealous, however.

I didn't own him, and he didn't like me back, nor was he in a relationship with me. What right then did I have to be jealous of who he made friends with? What right did I have to be jealous of him crushing on someone else?

Life wasn't always very fair.

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He is still completely unaware.
He has been, for an eternity.
And he will be.

Because I can't tell him I like him when everyone else supports him dating another girl.
Because he obviously likes her so and won't ever see me as more than a mere acquaintance.
Because I am just not enough for him.

So tonight, I say to the boy I like:

I like you. Yes, I like you, and I have liked you, but you have never known, so now, I confess: I like you.
However, I have also made a decision.
From this moment henceforth, I will have liked you.

I will no longer like you ever again or have feelings for you. I have made a promise to myself never to like you again so that my heart won't suffer like it already has. I know you might think of me as selfish, but isn't self-preservation always rather selfish? I think I'd much prefer that you hated me, rather than my heart hurt again. After all that you've put me through, hating me would be much easier for the both of us. I understand the disturbance I must've caused in your life by simply being someone you know.
So goodbye, farewell.
I bid these feelings, I bid us, I bid you, goodbye.
I will no longer make my presence known when I am by your side, online or offline. I will wholeheartedly support you dating her - after all, you love her, don't you?
And most importantly, I will not love you.
I will not carry feelings around in my heart and I will not think of you every second I get.

To you, I promise these things.

So goodbye.

- end -

Hey guys, so this is 'Him'. I hope you liked it :D
I had a huge problem switching between past and present tense in the process of writing this and after editing this I decided to settle on past tense for the first part of this and present tense for the second. :D I might have overlooked some errors though, so if you do find any, please tell me immediately :)

Thank you so much for reading!

With lots of love,

♦Bella