[▶] for safekeeping.

,

even in the little things, i

the other day i cradled another's face in my hands

my right hand rested on the left of their face

it was just for an exercise, really - i study theatre. that's a thing.

but it made me realise how much i missed

and craved

feeling another human touch

and intimacy that silent, that unspoken. yet so loud

i long to hold your face in my hands like that

is it a mistake?

maybe it was ego, like you said

that kept me going on alone

or was it the detached walls that kept me from peering over the edge

simply trying to wrap myself into a cocoon, spinning myself a web of my own

undoing?

i

i want to know you

sometimes i think my dirty laundry is as good as aired out for all the world to see

there are people and things from my past

i can't change. can't take back

yet i want to see all the bad parts of you

i don't know what this is

i don't know what to call it

i want to see just as much of the bad parts of you as i do the good

whisper secrets in my ear

i promise i won't tell.

i tear myself apart

like puzzles i can never quite put back together

lost pieces scattered

one in that place there another

red lines drawn, etched into the walls like

blood driven knives echoing my hardened screams

but i still can never seem to find my sense

of direction

dice roll

20

i can't smile.

numb-minded

i miss you for reasons unfair to both

you and

me

i think it's - at this point - a poker game

or a chess board?

i was never good with these things

either way i don't know if i will ever be able to make it through

everything tells me to focus on me but

undoubtedly

some part of my mind still lingers, holding on to you

i wish things would go quiet for a second

just a minute

just a while

i just...need some time to myself

just to have

that kind of love

where when you notice me start to pick at my nails again

you slip your hand into mine gently and take one in yours

soothing. embracing

that anxiety that suffocates both

you and

me

I just wonder about how you're doing

and then my mind is spiralling again

with everything else I'm worrying about

I don't have the time and energy right now to pay attention to you

even though I want to and

your smile still makes me smile

and I want to say some more but

my soul is too tired

april, april

a year come and gone

so much changed yet nothing at all

I marvel at the everchanging

yet never really changing nature

of the seasons and the trees and the river

and yet now I see crows everywhere

when I'd never seen any before

in twenty whole years of living

lavender orchids kissing my feet I

skip a lark beautiful baby blue breeze

orange glide flutter of wings

bursting with the nectar of spring upon spring since

never take a whistle by the tale I

hoped you'd say, sickle-minded I

whittle away at the sea

screams and crashing drowned azure torrent and terror

chrysanthemum.

maybe in a month I will have the energy to say something new.

for now, I just need to

pa

u

, s

e

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