[▶] for safekeeping.

god, i miss you

• musings ○

did I ever need to really offer you an explanation as to why I left?

I don't think it was necessary. either way, you just replaced me with many, many other people. slowly, slowly, I'd watch them filter in - where I'd once be the one sitting across from you at the table, there they were. the secrets and jokes you'd once shared with me were no longer mine to know - they were theirs. the little gestures of love - I couldn't do them anymore. they'd taken over that responsibility.

responsibility?

...oh, who am I kidding?

it's been more than two years. two years of pain and suffering and having to watch you tear yourself away from me - and up till today, I still don't know the reason why. the most I ever got was that you somehow found me 'annoying' from one of your new replacements - and that was it.

I've tried my best to forget about you. I know I have, to some extent. but if I'm being honest, I don't really know if I'll ever be able to really forget. I know you've forgotten about me. ...why wouldn't you?

for some reason, my mind still keeps this particular memory close.
singing, with you and the others. just before everything started changing entirely. singing like angels, in the small, square space between the door to the main room and the exit. quiet, dark, leaning against the walls - nothing illuminating us but the moonlight streaming in through the small windows near the top of the wall to my right. just that - shades of blue bathing us in shadows of dark as we sang, our voices melding together. and we never could remember what song it was we sang that day - none of us. maybe it was just to preserve the absolute magic and surreal-ity of that moment that god decided he'd just remove the memory of that exact song we'd sung together from all of our minds collectively. maybe it was because he knew it'd be a bittersweet memory not much later on - and he wanted to spare us of heartache. not that it mattered - I was the only one aching in the end anyway.

and even now, I think I may still be making the same mistakes. two years at this point, and I've gotten over you - but never really let you go. I found new people, new friends, new souls who loved me just as much as I loved them. but I keep doing so many things wrong, and it makes me wonder: despite all of the good that's come my way, am I really not meant to ever truly make it in any sense of the word? I keep feeling like I've screwed up and done something wrong.

maybe I'm just too broken to be loved.

and I'm too afraid or maybe I'm too scared to explain things to anyone because I'm frightened they won't understand. I'm frightened to open up again - because of how I opened up to you so many years ago. now, what do I do?

I cried the other night. worrying about many things and from the overload of thoughts in my mind. even so I realise I've been stricter and stricter with myself. I don't let myself cry that much. I probably cried twice last year and that was about it. and I remember both instances very clearly. I shut off the tears after a minute and just stopped.

but I never know whether I'm doing anything right anymore.

sometimes I wish dreamscapes really existed. I'd give everything in the world to flee to one right about now, where the only feelings that existed were joy and peace. I really don't want anything more. I just want to be happy.

and I just want to bathe in harmonies and sweet scents and kind hearts and soft warmth, know that everything's going to be alright, just because that's the way it is.

everything just seems so...conditional lately.

the love my family has for me is conditional. the love I earn from teachers is conditional.
the love I earn from myself is conditional.
and the love I earn from my friends...I don't know, but god I hope it isn't conditional.

was that the case with you? I don't know. I loved you and gave you everything I had, so much of me, all of me and even more - that I lost a huge part of myself in the process. I had to build myself back up from the ground again and there was nobody to help me out of it - except maybe those few kind souls who never even knew how much (or that they were even helping) they helped to pull me out of the darkest period of my life.

maybe I love rain, because it allows me to be alone with my thoughts. I wish somebody would care for me like that the way they do for everybody else - ask me if I'm alright when they sense something's off. it never happens.

it makes me wonder if it's just me and maybe they don't see it..? or maybe they just don't care enough to notice or ask.

it's a lot to feel like a burden to anyone and everyone no matter who or where you are. at this point I feel like I've fractured myself into so many tiny little fragments trying to fit into everywhere and anywhere I don't know which belongs where anymore. I've never felt more truly alone in the world than I do right now. and it hurts that the people I trust the most right now - I can't even tell them what's wrong because it still feels like there's a complete wall between us. a wall I haven't managed to break through. and I hate it.

I have a party to go to tonight. I don't want to go anymore.

but I guess sometimes lonely thoughts may always remain just lonely thoughts. people may never read these things but I suppose they're just here for 'artistic fuel'. how shallow, right?

but maybe sometimes the only thing you can do is turn pain into art. and that's just how we get by.

- fin. -