[▶] for safekeeping.

mythereal

"mythereal": a blend of 'myth' and 'ethereal'. mysterious, captivating, surreal, and so beautiful all at the same time.

-

I don't think you understand what it is that you do to me

no, of course you wouldn't know -
honestly the most we've talked is about a week, back in april

when we were brought together again by mere circumstance.

we don't exactly run into each other otherwise.

but no, it's not the desire for you to look at me as if you were seeing something new for the first time, or

discovering a new truth or secret foreshadowed in the worn pages of your favourite book -

nor the desire to laugh with you and talk with you again and just
experience that intellectual comfort

it's not the way I miss how your tired eyes sparkle with the aftermath of a smile
when I can't see the rest of your face because its hidden behind a mask.
(maybe literal, maybe figurative. who figures)

and it's not me missing the way we both sink into our chairs after work, sighing as our bodies lean against the backrests, lamenting yet joking lightly -
about how our backs will be aching for a while.
completely innocent, by the way. funny how writing can sometimes imply things that aren't there (eh?)

because you made me so comfortable with your boyish nature and childish ways
yet the way you turn around and conduct yourself with such grace and maturity.

and I never knew how much I liked untrained, raspy voices -
till I heard you.

I've always been a bit of a stickler for singing and the delicate nature surrounding it. call it a curse or blessing or whatever you want to, from years of choral training -

but something about you humming so slowly struck a chord somewhere deep within my mind.

all of a sudden, I guess
so many things I thought I'd previously been so sure of about myself
unravelled themselves, like a spool of thread
slipping out of my fingers and falling, falling
and rolling across the floor
before you picked them up. and I saw you.

you've always been a little closed off. it was clear to sense
I guess one cloaked soul always somehow recognises another
and, in a way, I suppose that was part of what drew me to you
knowing you, too, had things you kept inside that you'd never say. things that had maybe happened to you that weighed you down or left you worn with invisible scars lining your back and heart and the lines of your soul
because even though nowadays, most of what I feel - if you can call it "feeling"
is nothing but numbness and an absence of ability to truly delve within my emotions any longer -
something in me calls to you because
it knows how much things can hurt someone to the point they have to
shut themselves in
because otherwise they'd just break with a single feather light touch.

I think of what a difference five months makes
and how my first time meeting you was less than half of me
fresh off the most important national examinations I'd ever had to bear the brunt of in my life, stress piling up and wearing at me everyday and my health in shambles
and grieving for the loss of a loved one
I was barely present in mind and soul as I worked mindlessly and barely spoke to any of you.
if anything, I didn't nearly have the energy to.

five months later I'd cleaned up, mostly
had about three months by then to try and start taking care of myself, drink more water, exercise, get my mental health in check -
and then it was like everything clicked.
leaving me to still wonder about you now.

funny what a difference such a short period of time can make, right?
a week in the span of an entire lifetime really isn't all that much at all.
yet I feel like that week sparked so many different things within me.

I think I miss the warmth of your hug as you went in for another one a second time,
me not expecting it and awkwardly holding my flowers to the side so they wouldn't jab you in the side or anything -
I suppose after all the buildup of incidents all those years ago, I'd grown to forget much of physical affection
more so specifically, how I'd previously so freely given or received it
that I wasn't really expecting you to do it again
but it was nice.
it made me feel appreciated, but am I naive for saying that?
or maybe it's just how one is after being so worn down by the world so fast
that such little things, and oftentimes the tiniest ones
are the most appreciated.

thank you for that, by the way.
you were really so easy to talk to.
and when we said goodbye, said
"I'll see you when I see you"
"probably (most likely) eventually, haha"
I left with a quiet peace lingering in my heart.

growing up is such a wonderful experience. bittersweet at times, but so beautiful.

hey, i miss you. I've been thinking of you a ton.
call me foolish, but
manifestations and dreams are something I've come to believe in
maybe it's a little bit of the ray of hope I've been hoping to have
after lacking one for so long.
if I do see you again soon, I
hope things go well
if nothing happens, that's okay
I think I'm glad we connected on such an intellectual level
(though I'd be kidding myself if I said I didn't hope you would come along to be that one break in my stone facade
and the beginning of something new)

I'll see you around. till then,

hold a star for me

- fin -