[▶] for safekeeping.

midnight audio

hey.
this is kind of supposed to sound like a phone call, I guess?

I'm trying to use the voice mechanic thing because it's hard typing while you're laying down - ah, crap. sorry. hold on.

...

yeah, sorry. my mom just came in. anyway, yeah. my throat is killing me, but I guess I thought things would come out more sincere this way.

you know, I'm pretty sorry.

for the longest time I've had issues with myself.
about not being good enough or feeling like I'm just too annoying for anyone to even care about me.
and I get overly attached.

sometimes I know I'm overthinking something, but other times I don't. I think to myself, "did I screw up again?" but it's easily brushed off later on when you show that it's okay and that there's nothing wrong.

I'm pretty hopeless, you know?

maybe that's not a bad thing. someone once told me I feel too much - and I guess it's both my strength and my weakness.

it's pretty dumb. I've been here before, but here I am making the same mistake again. I love you too much for my own good.

I need to stop pinning my self-worth on other people. stop thinking that my entire existence is just to, you know - make someone else happy. I've learnt how to love myself a little more from the last time, but, uh - it's just a little hard sometimes when you forget again and you just wanna love someone with all your heart, you know?

it's not that I can't do that. I do it too much. I think I do it to the point of forgetting my own identity. and that's not good, is it? haha.

I have so many fears. so many fears - that maybe one day you'll leave me, one day you'll just wake up and find that you find me annoying, that you don't want me around anymore. that one day I'll walk up to you and you'll pretend I don't exist or just brush me off like I'm nothing, like we had nothing, like everything was nothing. you get what I'm saying?

and I have to remind myself everyday that I need to focus on myself as well. because it's just not healthy to give all your love to someone else without leaving some for yourself, is there?

so yeah, everything's a work in progress at the moment. I'm trying to expand my horizons - get to know new people, stop being so awkward. try to socialise more, try to make new friends, just have a larger social circle than I used to - and be unabashedly, unashamedly, myself. I find that's a lot easier than trying to fit into the mold I was always trying to make for myself.

I've grown to accept a little more that I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be. but I think that's okay.

that's something we all learn eventually, I think.

and I guess it's what makes us human - the fact that we can't ever be perfect.

sorry, ahaha - I'm rambling again. I just always have so many things to say.

oh yeah - we took a test the other day. that sixteen-personalities, myers briggs something...test? (oh, I also thought that maybe it'd be worth mentioning that I'm actually not doing this all in one-shot. I, unfortunately, did not have the time for that, hahaha) and my personality type's changed for like, the fourth time, but I guess it does align with how my personality has changed. I'm not so much of the shy awkward person I used to be who couldn't make any friends - now, I actually manage to make friends with quite a lot of the new people I meet, which is nice.

it just kind of came to mind because we have this project work thing where we're supposed to be put in groups, and people with clashing personality types will apparently be put together? I know, we're not in the same class, so that won't happen - but 3 out of 4 of our personality factors (is that what you call them? I don't know) are opposites, yet I click with you better than anyone I've ever known. maybe the "opposites attract" theory isn't so false after all, huh? haha.

wow, I'm definitely rambling again - good thing you actually listen to me, huh? just that I can't tell you about any of these things because lines are so thin, and I'm just scared that once I overstep them, nothing will ever be the same again, you know? ...it's happened.

so, yeah, I love you a lot. but I can't tell you that, because I doubt myself and think that there's people you definitely favour over me. I know there are.

so maybe I'll never really be anyone's true number one priority. but maybe that's okay. maybe I just have to be my own number one priority. couldn't hurt, could it?

god, there are so many things I want to tell you. I hate that I can't be completely honest with you, even though right now, you're the person who knows me best and has seen the most of me. god, I - what do I do?

you're so fucking cute. you're so damn adorable and you'll never know that. everytime I think about that, I just think about how lucky someone else will be to have you - but it also hurts, because I know that someone will never be me.

but I also just really love you as a friend. it's just partially bordering over onto the romantic side, you know? ahahaha, ahh...help me.

but yeah, I get jealous when I think of you with anyone else - but I push it away because, well, that's just kinda wrong - you don't belong to me or anything, and you should never be made to feel like you aren't your own person.

anyway, this has gone on long enough. I guess I just really wanna say I love you, and I'll love you for as long as you're willing to have me - I hope one day I can see you smiling, blissful, married to the love of your life, and that I'll be there to celebrate with you after as a friend. a lifelong one.

I think that's enough.

I love you. so much.

-click-