[▶] for safekeeping.

merry mellow love

I suppose it wouldn't be a lie, to say

I wish I asked you to be my valentine today

today, like so many other days I've had recently -

I've been swinging between two bouts of emotion

one, loving being alive and so at peace with the world, enjoying every bit of it, spreading love to every person I meet just because I can, strolling home from school with taylor swift's "lover" playing in my ears as I take in the beautiful just-after-4pm afternoon going on evening

two, having fleeting thoughts of you and missing you and then having little questions seep into my mind and jab at me telling me not to think about you - but I do

it's been a little more difficult recently to believe we could become something

I think it was easier to believe right after december

but now it's february fourteenth and I've been spreading love all day including to myself

I got myself some ice cream, let myself absolutely bask in beautiful music

but I wouldn't lie - some part of me wishes I could have spent it with you.

I don't know. I trust God with it

and I talk to Him all about you because I know nothing else I can really do.

I wonder what you're doing. I know you know it's valentine's day

but are you celebrating it too?

my darling, I think I need to learn to let go of you

and the idea of us

I need to achieve that hope I had back in january

where I could hold onto the hope of us yet still be completely okay with the hope of us never really becoming something real

I wish I could be as selfless and confident as she was

but I admit, I am weak

and right now I want nothing more than to be able to hold you and have you tell me everything will be alright.

I turn 20 this year. I've never had a relationship.

sometimes I wonder if that question I asked you in that dream once was real - I almost feel like asking you for real the next time I do see you again just to check if all of that was completely unreal

because darling, I think about you way too often for it to not be surreal

and I lie in a bed built of iridescent melodies and I keep on spinning these clouds of woven dew-dropped webs

till the day the illusion breaks and it snaps and I fall

and maybe you won't be there to catch me.

but that's alright. I've always caught myself anyway.

I've had to.

is a valentine so hard to find? love so hard to kiss?

I find my dreams are so much better than reality sometimes

but then I think about it again and there is so much in my waking life now that I wouldn't give up for the world

for one, I've never had so much fun in school

and every day no longer seems like a chore as it used to.

but I miss you. and selfishly a part of me hopes you miss me too - 

although I'm not sure you do.

I know I love who I am now and I love taking care of myself like this

but oh, to be taken out on a date and to be loved like there is no tomorrow

I dream of that day and I have for a very long time

but things are uncertain at the moment.

it isn't a bad thing. I just feel a little sad.

(maybe a little more. but that's besides the point.)

I still wonder what you think of that day back in december.

maybe you'll never know how you quite literally cracked open the skies to heaven for me

and lighted a brand new path I took with fervent footsteps and light wonder

and it's brought me so much and once again, I feel like a different person.

we change so quickly. I wonder if you've changed too.

I know I probably wouldn't have been able to talk to you the same way back last april as I did eight months later.

well... no matter.

it may take time, but

I'll try my best to breathe for now.

my heart aches for chocolates and lovebites and soft whispers and mumbles of "i love you"s kissed into my hair with a warm embrace

but I will hold on for now.

happy valentine's, my love.

all the words in the world could never express the true extent of my longing for you.

but for what it's worth, I hope you're doing alright.

I miss you.

x