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Inspiration:

unexpected things in unexpected places
unexpected feelings in unexpected times.
-

• poem ○

skidding through fluorescent lights
dark alleys and shoes splashing through puddles -
left behind by the downpour
of inexplicable youth and overflowing dreams
sometimes like morphine,
you breathe in the energy of your youth
and it gives you a high unlike
any other.

sometimes I think to myself and realise there's more to life than I give it credit for -
the world is a mystery on its own, every
structure
every person
every geometric shape
every fibre
every shade of colour
every dream
every pair of eyes
every soul

everything came from nothing and burst in a brilliant
explosion of stars, swirling
in the inky ocean of forever
in space and time and
seemingly superfluous measure.

"wish I knew where I was
'cause I don't have a clue"
far too often, I think of this
and I never know what to think or do anyway.
aren't we just here, on this planet -
unnatural life upsetting balances and creating unique paradoxes of our own everyday?
we feel and dream and think -
scientists say love is simply a chemical in the brain
and perhaps some believe that. perhaps some just
think love is a series of atoms, numbers -
things conceived from the mathematics of the world
but
I think it's so much
more
than that.

how else do you explain
being drawn to that someone across the room
however long you've known them, however well you know them
in such a way that
you never want to
leave their side?
how else does someone
fill your life with such
colour
vibrance
new tones spiralling their way into existence
and you inhale, and these colours
seep into your bloodstream, coursing through your body in myriads and spectrums of crystalline brilliance -
eyes shine with reflection of a past and present and future
one may have had, is having, or has yet to have -
it's like fireworks
all inside you
little sparks in your stomach, little flashes in your heart
growing more and more frequent with each and everyday.

do I stand tall? or do I yield
to the lengthening, dancing, aching thrills of my body
longing to pull me into a brand new fairytale
that perhaps I may not last long in,
but which will be a journey nevertheless.

all I know is that
I look forward to seeing you everyday.
and it sucks when I don't get to see you.
and I always want to see your kind eyes, that incredibly charming smile
and I want to hear your voice, your laugh,
feel your gaze on mine.
I long to lace my fingers through yours and
rest my head on your shoulder in the mornings
and feel the thrill of sneaking a kiss in broad daylight
when no one is looking.
I want to do so much more than simply give you a high-five, or make small talk
I want to get to know you, to get closer to you
but somehow it feels like you're inching further and further away all the time.
you haven't given me many butterflies yet -
okay, maybe on occasion, but
I can't help but think of how much worse it would be if I constantly had that many of them
fluttering in my heart and round my eyes.

jealousy is a funny thing, you know?
and I love her so much and she means so much to me
but so do you
and everything I can do she can do better
and she's so much closer to you than I am.
so it's like I'm trying to hold out on the prospects of a relationship
when the actuality of having one will probably never occur
except between you and her.
so what's the point, I ask? what's the point
of subjecting myself to heartbreak and envy?
but isn't that the way feelings work?
they go against all laws of nature.

a song I listened to the other day, one I'm actually dancing to -
said to forget envy, forget jealousy
because our youth is so vast and so beautiful
and it holds so much potential that we'll never realise
till it has long faded away.
and that made me think of you, and of how
I should really just make a move, or two, or three -
but I knew I'd be too afraid to do so when it came down to it again.
I carry with me too many fears and traumas from the people I've loved prior
and their stories are all laid out in the previous chapters of this book.

nearly a week ago, a good friend was looking really down, almost emanating a sort of deep blue
and I wanted to say I loved him, to let him know I was there for him even if he didn't want to say anything at the moment
so I raised a heart to him and told him I loved him.
he didn't hear the first time, so I
did it again
and then you walked past
and said, "oh"
at first I thought you were just acknowledging the fact that
I'd just told my best friend I loved him
but then you nodded and said
"love you back"
and I still don't know how to feel about it.
unintentional of me as it was, I still felt kind of
embarrassed
but I know you probably didn't think anything of it.
I don't mean that much to you anyway.

may I see you?
I don't know if you'll let me - and I
curse these inhibitions in my body, my mind, my
heart, ever-present roses blooming, blossoming,
anointing my soul as yours, though it has yet to be, and perhaps never will be.
effervescent as the sun, as such is everything and everyone in this world
led by their dreams and loves and everything in between -

to a far off land, somewhere.
somewhere, a long time away.
I want to find it.
and I want to go there.
but alas, I have yet to
and I never really know if I ever will.
so we shall see.
maybe one day.
one day.
we'll see.

for now, I'll
dance
in the inebriation of my mind
and sway with the twists and turns
my heart leads me to follow.
such is our temporal existence
fragile, yet
so strong and not meek
always fighting, never failing
nearly spiralling out of control at times
but always, always.
returning home.

where it belongs.

- fin -