[▶] for safekeeping.

i miss being in love

Inspiration:
some quiet, contemplative days and nights have let me think about this a little bit. life has just been so busy lately - now that I'm finally getting to slow down, I can think about these things and contemplate them a little bit.
and a little bit of music never hurt anyone - so here's a little bit of writing for y'all. <3

songs - if i'm being honest (dodie)
-

I always long for
those nights when we'd click like magic
stars dancing in the skies and also in
your eyes
the way you'd look at me when I laughed
threw my head back and
giggled uncontrollably.
dancing round the streets or in empty malls
close to closing hours
when you held my hand and we'd hastily stumble and run
through the long grass filled with dew droplets
from the fresh fallen rain of the afternoon.
"i saw a rabbit run across the road once," I told you
and you laughed and lightly tapped my nose
saying I must've been very happy to see it.
and you were right, I was.

sometimes I wondered how I could be so lucky
to have you in my arms.
I still miss the sound of your voice
and the way your arms round me felt so safe and secure
like being wrapped in a cosy blanket, warm mug of hot chocolate in hand
on a cold rainy day.
you would always squeeze me tight and nuzzle your nose
in my hair.
you said you loved how I smelled.
and you knew how much I loved it whenever you would
softly place a kiss on my cheek
whenever I got a little mad.
I could never stay mad at you.

I loved your soft brown hair
and how I could run my fingers through it
and ruffle it like no other.
you had such a boyish name - I adored it
though you felt a little embarrassed at times and wished your mother had named you
something else.
I think, occasionally
about how you'd continue to laugh about it
even well into your years.
I wish I could be there to see it.

and as I'm laying here, the clock hands pointing to
3.21am
I take a deep breath
and listen to the soft lilts of music playing beside me.
I wonder at how things could've been different sometimes.
it's been 5 years, after all -
but you've still got me thinking about you even after all this while.

and maybe it's not just that, now -
I later met a girl who made me fall in love
she pulled me down a rabbit hole like alice fell into wonderland
and I got lost before I even knew where to start.
she wrecked me and destroyed me
and you never knew how much I wished I could've had you
to hold me close when she wouldn't.
I haven't properly fallen in love since then.

and with every hectic schedule, every stressful day
I've grown to think less and less of such
'trivial things'
and more often than not I'm focused on work.
but now that I finally get to breathe a little
and things are slowing down again
and I can take my time to think and breathe and relax
I remembered you.
and how you made me feel.

there are some particular moments
that still stay with me, special and
dear to my heart.
texting you in the dark of the room while light shone in from
the corridor outside
and warmth blooming in my heart and blossoming on my cheeks
as I texted you a kiss goodnight.
that was one thing -
you always went to bed earlier than I did.

and I remember feeling my breath hitch in my throat
as your stare grew intense
and I felt like my limbs could do nothing but freeze where they were
rosy heat twining and twirling its way up my cheeks, enveloping me
I've never had anyone so close
I've had hugs tight, so much they're even breathless
but this felt so much more intimate, and so much closer for some reason
and I don't think I've ever felt warmer
than in that instant when you first kissed me.
and I'm glad it was you.

'could you love this?'
music asks me this same question again and again
I don't know what you saw in me, but I'm glad for that little time
we had together.
but
'if I'm being honest'
I miss you.
and I wish that little time wasn't so little.
I wish I had more than just a phone number to find you -
because the landline went flat many years ago.
yet all I can do is ponder.

and now I miss the feeling of someone's hand in mine
and having somebody who holds me irrevocably close
and never wants to let me go.
someone who loves everything about me and
insists that they'll make me try this new, crazy activity one day
bring me to some place far away
and that they won't rest till it happens.
I miss being held in that special way
the kind where it feels like
you're too fragile to break
but also too precious to let go of all at once.
it's warm and comforting and beautiful and powerful
all at the same time.
and I miss someone telling me they love how I smell
and nuzzling their face in my hair
always telling me how beautiful I am
or saying how much they love me.
sprinkling kisses lightly all over my face
whenever I get sad or mad
and holding me tight such that
I have to lean into them and
let myself soften into a warm embrace.

'if I'm being honest',
I miss being in love.
and yet the dream seems so far away and mysterious.
but maybe one day, huh?
one day.

one day.