[▶] for safekeeping.

quit

Inspiration: a sucky kind of day.
-

• poem ○

maybe it was
all a mistake
I don't know, maybe it was really just
all my wishful thinking
my dreams and thoughts spiralling in
uncontrolled lines of magic
now swirling down into a dark vortex
making its way around my hands, my neck
smothering me with a blanket of inky suffocation
pulling me into its pits of treachery and misery.

how could I have been so
s t u p i d
to believe things would have worked?
when they hadn't the previous five times?
I've fallen in love with three girls and boys
and only one reciprocated
but that doesn't really count.
he and I loved for a week,
and then he was forcibly gone.
cut off and separated by miles and miles of ocean
far away in another continent
nowhere near to me.

the one girl I've fallen in love with
trampled all over my heart
ripped it out only for it to keep growing back again
though I was never as graceful or strong as Prometheus.
it took me 3 years to forgive her for
all the anguish she'd caused me
and in the end, this was all still my fault, because
I was the one who'd fallen in love with her in the first place.
it's not like she asked for it.

so likewise, I suppose the same is happening here
maybe those signs were all just delusions of mine
maybe they were just you growing comfortable with me as a friend.
you don't love me.
you probably love her.
it's always that way, isn't it?
I am destined to
never find someone I love
and who loves me for who l am.
I am probably meant to wander the earth forever,
in search of a love
that does not and will never exist.
perhaps this is the consequence
of having a soul
that does not know how to keep its dreams on the ground.
up in the air, you'd think they'd be free
but they get torn up by swooping eagles,
sucked into the vicious turbines of planes
coasting across the sky and searching for such
prey.

today, you called my name again
and it was so irrational, and so childish -
but I felt a fire stir within me despite
the freezing room and my numb fingers and toes
and my shaking body, arms around myself in an attempt to lose the coldness that had settled on me.
and in that moment, both ice and fire danced a pas de deux in my heart.
the gold impasse in my soul made it a pas de trois.
I secretly hated how you could still seem so easy
with my name rolling off of your lips like it was nothing.
speaking to me like you hadn't just crushed me inside.
(I know it was irrational. most of this is, after all
just me torturing myself for
nothing, really.)
I hated how you were so distant unlike the weekend before.
what happened?
did I make a mistake by just
texting
   you?

maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. it's so stupid.
I think I've just been overthinking every single little gesture, and every little glance
but it's just so hard not to when your hand lingers just a little longer
when passing me those tickets we had to sell today
against mine, albeit the contact being just
minimal
between individual fingers.
I can't help beating myself up over this.
maybe tomorrow will be a new day, but right now
I don't want to see you
I don't want to talk to you
I don't want to hear from you
and I'm not exactly looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow
because I'm unsure.
I'm listening to the songs on my playlist
I made over the course of those few years
when I'd been in love with the girl who broke my heart to the ends of the earth and
beyond.
it's amazing how well it applies to this as well.
two puzzle fragments, both strangers
yet fitting together like welding together a crack in a
finely brilliant diamond.

whatever.
whatever.
whatever.
whatever.
it was never meant to be anyway.
what was I so foolishly hoping for?
and now I feel so ashamed and so embarrassed
for gushing about you to my friends
thinking of you every waking moment
and uttering your name.
this stupid, stupid girl
doesn't deserve your time anyway.
she may be able to sing, she may be able to dance - somewhat
but she is better than me, and she will beat me
and she will win your heart.
I know it.
eventually.
I am doomed to always live in someone else's shadow.

I'm sorry you have to deal with me.
the mess that I am.
I don't - I can't -
I shouldn't be something
you have to deal with.
'some thing', because
I'm not even worthy of being called a human being.
I've - my body is -
a broken chasm of everclashing melodies and discordant dissonance
I'm dysfunctional, I'm broken
I'm anxious, I'm depressed
I shouldn't be something you have to deal with.
not now, not anywhere.
and not like this.
never like this.

God forbid I ever think of you again
your wide grin and mischievous demeanour
the way your eyes crinkle at the corners
the easy way in which you talk and move
and speak to me and everyone else.
how effortlessly you
present yourself
with so little, yet so much.
I
I can never
I will never be good enough
for you.

why did I think this was ever a good idea, anyway?
I need to forget.
I need some sugar in my system, I told myself
but I skipped out on it.
to save money? to make myself feel more miserable?
who knows?
......who cares?
I need to write
write you out of my system
get your kind eyes out of my head
your sweet laughter out of my ears
your wonder out of my heart
I need to forget
I need to forget
I need to  f o r g e t
.
.
.
.
.......
what is wrong with me?

- fin -