[▶] for safekeeping.

crazy

Inspiration:

i go crazy - orla gartland,
a Halsey playlist,
and someone rather unsuspecting.

this was originally supposed to be just a poem about someone, but things happened.
it's now an ode of something much deeper and farther away from reach, and I just want to say that I hope that none of you ever have to feel this way. whoever you are, wherever you may be - I'm sending all my love to you.
there is hope.
stay strong.
breathe.
I'm here with you.
-

• poem ○

honestly?
even now, I'm unsure
I'm still trying to figure out what I feel
sort out these remnants of the pain I had over
him
and his mischievous, charming smile
but you
you came along in
such an unsuspecting way
I don't know how to feel about you.

it's the feeling of wanting to dance
to move, to release the vibrant geometric shards and rays of light hiding inside of you
when all that is around you are
dark crowds and heavy lies and the aching normality of regularity
nonchalance and bustle
and you have to keep this little secret locked inside because otherwise they'd
stare
so you have to seal it with wax, dripping hot, fresh,
burning your fingers and scalding your palms
for however long you have to.
and tears stream from your eyes
but we are all broken, and you're not
special
we are all dancing in our own fields of scattered glass
stepping and bleeding and pouring out our souls with each delicate move
here and there and everywhere
and the people we choose to dance with
we invite them into our fields, and scar them just as they scar us
an equal exchange of blood and war.

but you know just how that feels, don't you?
....I wish I could ask you.

I always make the same mistakes
falling too hard and too fast
and for people who will never reciprocate
what I'm giving.
I'm really bad at this, aren't I?
I realise too many people love you already -
there's no point in me trying.
I'm barely balancing on my toes, leaning forward on one leg
tipping slowly forth in an arabesque
until I can balance no longer
and I fall face first, plummeting towards the
ground.
funnily enough, it's still not a choice
despite how many jars I've exhausted
trying to give more and more of my breath to the people I fall for.

just look at the long lane of loves I've left behind me
each time my heart being broken just a little more
you're not the first person and you will not be the last.
but yet everything captures me so tightly
the wind tangles itself in my hair, wraps my limbs up in coloured smoke and satin
ripping away parts of my skin and clothes like liquid porcelain fragmenting
so gently, so softly.
a blue curtain falls over my eyes and shields me from your gaze.

"you were a vision in the morning when the light came through"
it's as if you never truly exist even though you're right in front of me.
I reach forward to touch you but my fingers wisp through
ghostly thin white lines, swirls of honey and wood smoke twirling round my fingers and gracing my face
I breathe you in, and you're gone again.
love is so
temporary
I still wonder why it scares me that I might never be able to truly love again
when love has hurt me so much.

people can leave you so easily however great the story they've built with you has become.
"if it won't bother you in five years, just give up."
that's what someone said once.
but is it really good to give up so soon just because of
an assumption we may have
whether it's true or not
?
.
who knows?