SEE YOU IN HEAVEN [FANTASERIES #2]

Chapter Forty One: Fight

CHAPTER FORTY ONE

FIGHT 

Casper was crying on my arms. He doesn't want to let go. His tight hug becomes tighter every second. He's squeezing me inside his arms, but I don't know to myself why I don't feel uncomfortable. Casper was hanging on to me like a five-year-old kid. All I can do was to caress his back to calm him down.

"Sorry, Nemesis." He whispered once again.

I didn't answer him. His hug felt like a comfort that even though he's squeezing the fuck out of me, I didn't complain. I just want to stay silent and savor his hug. We were not in good terms for about a week, and it felt like months. This was the same feeling when I was hugging him yesterday. Gusto kong pasalamatan na nalasing ako dahil naibsan ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko kahit papano.

"Stop being dramatic." I said after a few minutes. He became silent too. I pulled away from the hug. I looked at Casper's face but he was avoiding my gaze as if he was embarrassed.

I silently wipe his tears, like my hand has its own mind. No one's talking between us, but unlike a few days ago, it is not a heavy silence anymore. Something inside of me was alive again knowing that Casper reached out. To be honest, despite of my thoughts, what ifs, and pain inside of me, part of me wanted to reach out, but I don't know how... and I'm scared that I might look desperate again, giving them the satisfaction of my defeat. I don't want that to happen anymore.

I trust Casper... I'm trying to trust him like how I trust people in the past, at the same time, I was being held back, not being free from my nightmare I'm trying to escape from. Iba na iyong nasa harapan ko pero pilit pa 'rin akong ikinukulong sa nakaraan.

"Nemesis..." he called after a few second. Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin, but I was just staring at him. "I'm really sorry..."

I tried to smile. "There's nothing to be sorry at...it was me." My voice was almost a whisper. Kung ano man ang sinabi ni Heidee kanina ay tumatak iyon sa akin. Seeing Casper like this, I should remind myself that he's being affected... but I don't know why. I don't want to assume too. I don't want to think of anything else, except on how to make him live once again.

"I'm sorry for being distant. Hindi ko na uulitin, promise... muntik ka nang mapahamak dahil doon." Aniya. Maingat niya akong itinulak paupo sa high stool chair bago kinuha ang isa at umupo sa tapat ko. He held my hand tightly, and the guilt and fear on his eyes was still evident. "Kung nahuli lang ako ng dating..."

"I was drunk, Casper." I explained to him. Mukha siyang sadboy pero I know that he is serious. I've been observant. I know when Casper is serious or not... and the entire time I've been with him, I know when he's hiding his pain. I was too late to figure the emotions in his eyes, but I know now... and if it takes my effort to take that pain away, I can sacrifice.

He sighed and look at me, and squeezed my hand. "I became handful, huh... hindi ko na uulitin iyon..."

I avoided his gaze. "Let's not sweat it, Casper. We're both wrong... I was wrong—"

"Nemesis," aniya. "There's nothing wrong about wanting to have answers. There's nothing wrong when you wanted to learn things. Sadyang palagi lang iyong ipinagdadamot sa'yo, even I, the person who courage you to seek for answers, and don't run away, became one of the people who took that right away from you..."

Hindi ako sumagot. I'm trying to understand him. I'm trying to calm myself... I'm trying to balance and I'm trying to be rational. I should be grateful. Casper is opening up, convincing myself that he is different from others who used me. He's explaining himself so I would understand...