ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

must not be gorgeous

october 10,2019

i found myself contemplating moving my bookbag from the seat next to me. billie sits there like she always does but she had me cry more than i should've last night.

it's not her fault that i'm sensitive, but the way her words came so harshly through the phone i could feel it had me beating myself up.

why did i keep calling her and texting her? i annoyed her.

i try not to do things to piss her off, cause i know she'll never let it go and use it against me like she does everything.

it sounds toxic but just hear me out.

i know that's billie loves me, she knows i love her, but we argue sometimes and we fight and that's okay.

cause we still love each other.

some of my friends had been trying to get me out of this friendship for years, but i don't see anything wrong with it.

they always say eventually, billie will step all over me and hit me blah blah blah.

but billie would never do that.

the bus doors had swung open so i moved my bag and sat it on the floor. billie walked and a part of me thought she'd walk right past me, but she didn't. 

she sat down filling my nostrils with her amazing smell. i didn't wanna say that first words, afraid she'll be mad at me still.

"so what'd you wanna talk about," billie says, i smile at the thought that she remembered making my heart warm.

it's the bare minimum but i smile anyway.

"i don't know, it's nothing now i just needed a hug," i say, she nods "you want a hug at school, angel?"

i nod, butterflies erupting.

"cool," she smiles slightly before licking her lips and starting another sentence.

"you know there's a new girl," she says, i feel my face drop but i recover quickly not wanting her to say anything.

"yeah," i say she nods before bringing her hand up to play with the tips of her soft hair.

"her names heather," billie starts "she's sweet and pretty."

i nod uninterested in this heather girl. she looked pretty, prettier than me. billie thinks she's pretty so if she's pretty then what am i?

"i showed her around last night it was pretty chill" billie continues, i nod again "cool."

billie doesn't respond, so i lean my head on the bus window, waiting to arrive at school.
-
i was in 4th block, billie next to me. we had most of if not all our classes together.

her head was downwards, typing away on her phone. she had been like that for a while now. i didn't wanna be nosey, but why not ask?

"who are you texting," i say, billie doesn't answer laughing at her phone. "hello," i say, "who are you texting?"

again, she doesn't answer. i shake her shoulder, and she lifts her head "hm?"