ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

if you wanted me

authors note: didn't want you guys to wait too long this time, also srry for errors didn't proof read because it's 4 in the fucking morning lmaoo

november 7, 2019

it's so easy for me to fall in love. to be honest, i don't know how i become so attached, so— obsessed with the persons hair or their way of dressing but i loved everything about the person.

i'd always fantasize about me getting into relationships with people i had simply just met and i'm starting to think i just like the idea of a relationship.

the touching.
the words of encouragement.
the attention.

everything.

i am so vulnerable when it comes to the bare minimum because i do not know true love.

true love like in the movies, they argue and rekindle, they don't hurt each other as others hurt me.

the love i am receiving is hurtful, bruising, but bearable?

it was like heart-shaped cuts being drawn into my skin, her finger being the shiny blade. and she pours words down my throat, words that get caught as if my lungs were spider webs, lungs that yearn for her like oxygen.

it was as if my body could not live without the words that spill from her mouth. my head is nothing more than thoughts, thoughts of her, thoughts of love.

i am nothing but a painted picture of endless distress because i allow myself to get exploited by her.

see the pattern?

it's always her, her making me cry, her making me laugh, it's always been her.

and though she hurts me, more than i can fucking comprehend i am still so in love.

she makes me feel good but she's so bad for me like a high i simply cannot come down from. i'm addicted to her like she is a drug, a drug that makes me feel so amazing at first but soon enough will make me come crashing down into the blood drawing concrete.

hit with reality, the person i love is nothing more than a made-up version in my head. i see her with rose-tinted glass, every red flag suddenly vanishing.

i look at her as if she were the most perfect thing in the world but as soon as i'm smacked in the face with some shitty thing she does i am humbled.

the glasses are removed and i see just how much of a bitch she is.

and then my eyes begin to water, and i bite down on my bottom lip until the blood leaks down onto my chin because you are not what i thought.

you are not the loving person i was promised and i can't help but hate myself for it.

the heartache is everlasting, my mind completely running thinking "how could you do this" why the fuck would you hurt me like that, knowing just how much i fucking care?!

and then she'll ask me what's the matter, knowing exactly what she did and exactly what the hell is wrong, that she did this.

but if i told her that, she would laugh in my face. she would tell me just how stupid i am for thinking that it's her fault.

she would say something so awful that it would creep its way into my brain for me to think of for the rest of the day, week, month, year.

and though she is such a bitch, i'm still fucking in love.

why can't i let you go?

if it were up to me, everything would be alright, we could be together and i wouldn't have to worry if you liked me.

but it's not up to me.

so i am stuck; stuck with the truth that i simply cannot have you.

it is hard knowing that no matter how hard i try i am looked past, no matter how hard and no matter what i fucking do she cannot see how bad i want her.

how badly i want to run my fingers through her hair, how badly i would like to watch the stars with her, how badly i want to travel the world with her.

like in the stories, the fairytales of the princess finding her one true love.

but this isn't a story, this is real life and there's nothing i can do about it.

often, i wonder what it would be like if i hadn't met her. if i hadn't felt the blemishes in her pretty pale skin if i hadn't traced the lines in her soft hands if i hadn't learned the curves of her beautiful face.

would i be such a wreck?

you introduced me to love, so i wouldn't know it if i hadn't met you.

but you didn't love me back, and that stings. i just want to be in love with someone, who would like to be in love with me.

"plenty of fish in the sea" yes yes i know, but i want you.

you are not like the others my love and i think that hurts the most; that no one is like you, so i cannot look for you in other people. therefore i cannot replace you.

it's so fucking foolish of me to keep on waiting on someone who couldn't give to shits about me but i don't care. she is who i want and i cannot just put my feelings on pause.

and when i really think about it, i am disappointing myself in ways i could've never even imagined.

i'm disappointing myself by continuing to hang on when i am so much more.

but i can't let her go, man.

sometimes i want to look into the mirror and strangle the girl i see for doing this to herself. for knowing just how much of a struggle it is to love you and then continue to let herself get hurt.

i don't care though, all i want is for you to see me.

i make so much time for you, so much effort, but you can't even make a little space in your heart for me?

bullshit.

and you wanna know the worst part? the worst part wasn't even falling for you, no, the worst part wasn't even how hard i fell.

the worst part was falling, and thinking you had fallen too.

and when she tells me "she just needs time," or says that she "doesn't wanna rush things" it makes my blood boil.

because if you wanted to be with me, if you really  did,

you would fucking be here.

1068 words