ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

loving too hard

february 15, 2020

my eyes open and i groan, yawning right after. my waist is being held tightly, and billies head rests on my shoulder as my front is against her back.

i shiver and realize i am naked. flipping over, billie groans, pulling me into her even more.

"billie" i whisper and she hums tiredly, opening her eyes after answering.
"yeah," she replies, stroking my bare thigh. looking into her eyes billie smiles down at me, her smile slowly turning into a smirk.

"never mind" i shake my head, causing billie to pull me closer.

"no," she says "talk to me, what is it, love?"

if i were, to be honest, the only question i'd have is why? people flee from those that hurt them 99 percent of the time; they'll do anything to getaway.
that 1%, on the other hand, doesn't seem to comprehend why they don't run. that 1% is me, and I can't seem to get out of it.

sometimes i begin to glorify billie and i; our pain, our hurt. it's wrong but i can't help but think that billie only hurts me because she loves me. and she only hurts me because she simply cares.

i think about me being the only person billie loves this much, the only person billie would suffer for. she'd simply put herself through so much pain all for me.
though it is not cute, its quite scary, i can't help but sugarcoat it.

"it's really nothing" i reply tiredly with a yawn, she hums. billie stares at me, her hair messy and eyes low "how'd you sleep, angel?"

she puts a hand into my hair before cupping my cheek and stroking her thumb under my eye.

"i slept okay" i grab her wrist, stroking it with my thumb as well. she smiles, "that's good" billie smiles, and it is silent before she whispers "you're so gorgeous."

i cant figure out what to do or say, my heart flutters but not in the same way it used to.

perhaps i've grown, but i don't think i really have if i'm laying here naked with her. just months ago, i would've killed for billie to call me gorgeous, i would've killed just to be in this moment.

though, now that it has happened, i can't process why i wanted it so bad. perhaps i love billie, not as much as i used to but i know no matter what she does i'll never stop loving her.

even if it was just a pinch of love.

billie chuckles, her cold hand brushing over my thigh. i shiver with a deep sigh, our legs beginning to tangle together.

"you wanna get up," billie says "shower or something?"

i nod watching as billie reaches over me; grabbing something to cover herself up.

she stares at me as i turn to lay on my back.

"what," i ask, rubbing my eye, she shakes her head "do you feel okay?"

i furrow my eyebrows with a laugh "uh yeah? i'm okay why?"

she was acting weird; anxious, as if she's just done something wrong. billie sighs, "i just want to make sure you're okay with all of this."