ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

but why?

january 1, 2020

billie

my phone's texts come in so fast that i'm afraid it'll explode. i nearly want to block her, but i'm not going to do it.
i'm not mad at her, despite the fact that her texts appear to be hostile. of course, i understand; i left her yet again, but this time it genuinely was for her.
i don't deserve zya, and i'm too much for her. i hate to see her drop everything for me, she needs to love herself.
i need to love myself, and that is why i let both her and heather go in the same hour.
i just need a fresh start; zya needs a fresh start.

z:)

billie
text me back
can we just talk

4:05am

we're you just lying this whole time?
i just want an answer why

10:25am

billie
i actually believed you for a split second yk?
i'm so stupid
why do you do that every time?
i loved you and you leave?
fuck you
youre such a bitch
how do you continue to hurt so many people?
does that not hurt you?

2:33pm

can you just tell me why
that's all i wanna know
and then we don't have to talk again

for u

what does that even mean

that's just for u to figure out

stop trying to be poetic and just fucking
tell me

bye zya

i blocked her.

zya

what was the point?
was this all just to get me attached again? because it worked. why didn't i just listen to myself? deep down i knew it, i knew this was all an act.

i thought billie had matured, but she's still the same backstabbing bitch.
why didn't she simply come out and say she needed my attention? she didn't have to lie to me, she didn't have to say she loved me if she didn't want to.

i'm so stupid for trusting her; consoling her.

"i love you so much zya"
"i need you zya"
"i wanna be with you zya"

and i guess what stings the most is that i took her words to heart when she said she loved me, but how could it be possible that billie ever loved me as much as i loved her?

i was just starting to let her go, i was just starting to heal.
how could she do this to me? and then had the nerve to kiss me?
when she knows just how much i love her lips; just how much i love how they feel on mine. maybe she just wants me to miss her? does it make her feel good?

it doesn't make me feel good. it makes me feel worthless and alone, it makes me feel desperate as if i'm nobody without her.

why did she do all of this? why didn't she just tell me?

481 words

(filler)