ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

special

october 27,2019

i found myself looking at billies lips more than i ever have these past weeks. she's kissed me, more than i can even count, touched me in ways i'm way too shy to say aloud.

but billie still has yet to say anything about her feelings, how she actually feels about me.

she likes me for sure i think, we've kissed, we've done things that friends just don't do. so why didn't she just say it?

i like her, all the way, and i'm sure she feels the same.

but how do i know she doesn't do the exact things with heather? i'd be lying if i said there wasn't a thought billie and her were doing the things we do.

and id be lying if i said there wasn't a thought that i just was the second choice, that i'm just there.

im sitting in my room, shorts and a t-shirt on, my dog at the end of the bed, and billie laying on my chest, arms up my shirt.

my fingers played in her hair, my tv being the only background noise.

i wanted to be in a relationship already, i wanted billie to just say she likes me because that's obviously what she's been implying.

her phone rings and heathers face pops up as well as billies.

oh.

they're laying in bed, billie kissing her cheek as the
blonde smiles. "heathers calling you" i say, my voice threatening to break as my thoughts fight themselves.

billie groans, reaching out to flip her phone over almost as if she knows i'm looking. "i'll call her later" her voice raspy "i'm with you right now."

it was like the negative thoughts had vanished, completely leaving my mind as she sits up to look at me.

her hands roam my body freely, making tingles run down my spine. "so pretty" billie says cupping my cheek and kissing my lips.

i'm so in love.

billie

why am i doing this?

i pulled away, and she giggles, covering her face from blushing too much.
i feel kinda bad, but i couldn't help myself. 

her lips were so soft, so delicate, but heathers are softer.

smoother, better to kiss.

zya was too easy to trick, she believed almost everything i said, good and bad.
so it wasn't my fault, i don't like her but i couldn't fight the urge to just want to touch her, and kiss her in ways no one else could.

i liked the feeling of someone following me around and sucking up to everything i did.

i liked the feeling of having so much power over someone that i could easily crush them in just a word.
and she was far too fragile, that a part of me wanted to break her and watch her shatter into pieces.

i don't even think she knows what a breakup feels like, what falling into pieces feels like.

so if i was the reason she'd finnaly feel it then so be it.

zya

billie looked like she was thinking like she was fighting herself in her head.

"bil," i say tapping her face she hums and we lock eyes "you good?"

she smiles and nods "of course."

i giggle and sit up a little more, letting my back hit the headboard. billie lays her head in between my legs  and begins to scroll through her phone.

i felt as if i was stabbing myself like i was somehow betraying the "old me" because this is nothing like how i pictured life to be when we were younger.

when my crush first began to form i acted as if it was the worst thing in the world, i hated it, said i'd never even think about wanting to kiss my best friend.

but as time progressed it just became so much harder to keep in, it became so much harder to fight my urges.

i think a part of me was scared to admit i was gay and scared to admit that billie was my first girl crush, my first crush period.

and to be honest, i'm still kinda scared, i'm still trying to grow into myself and my sexuality but it's so hard when people are practically breathing down my neck about it.

but i'm trying and billies helping.

i cant believe we've gotten to this point, i can't believe we might even be dating one day.

i mean billie kissed me, billie kissed me. it's so terrifying to say but refreshing to know that we've made it to this point.

billie

shes so stupid, i can hear her giggling to herself as she thinks and i don't even think she knows her hand has moved down to the back of my neck.

don't get me wrong, zya really is a great person, kind-hearted, and overall an amazing person to be around.

but sometimes she's annoying and clingy.

she gets upset at things that she shouldn't even be getting upset about. i mean she got mad at me for calling heather "angel," which is dumb.

i wonder what the name meant to her, for her to be so overprotective about it. for her to be so upset that she cries, i mean what did she think it was?

some special name that's only for her?

i unconsciously scoff as i think.

a little of me hates what i'm doing but i don't know what i want. her lips are like velvet, and her body is nothing short of amazing.

but heathers, heathers lips are enticing, and they taste of some fruity flavor. her body, drop-dead gorgeous while her face never even thinks about looking "ugly."

zyas just— i don't know, there's nothing special about her.

zya

ive never met anyone that makes me feel the way billie does. the way my heartbeat quickens when i'm around her or the way i blush at some simple thing she does.

meeting billie was probably one of the best moments of my life. she's showed me so much, and even though we argue my heart is too in love with her to ever even think about letting go.

she's so perfect, her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her dimple. i think my favorite thing was her voice, she could talk to me for hours and i'd never want her to stop.

it all happened so fast, suddenly i had become infatuated with the way her hair fell on her shoulders and the way her blue eyes contrasted well with every hair color she's had.

she's so special to me.

everything about her— special.

1107 words