ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

will she hurt me?

october 31,2019

the music was loud causing my whole body to vibrate, i'd say i was high off of all the second-hand smoke going through the air, but i'd be exaggerating. i'd never been to an actual party, the ones where drunk teenagers jump off of tables and sniff crack in the stairs.

trust me i know for a fact i saw some crack on the way in here. boys and girls in the corners were practically swallowing each other wholly and basically fucking in front of everyone, you might as well call it one big orgy.

billies hand never left mine as we made our way through the sweaty bodies and to the kitchen. i probably look so stupid right now, following her around like a lost puppy, but what else am i to do? i know barely anyone.

oh and the dress? yeah, im wearing it, i couldn't find an excuse not to and i obviously couldn't find an excuse not to come here as well. i'll try and enjoy myself, but i won't doubt i'd figure out a way to fuck this up.

  heather

my body felt tight, and i could barely keep myself up. the world seem to be a blur as if i was watching myself behind glossy eyes. i was wearing a dress that barely even past my thigh, and the corset that i wore was one button away from breaking my ribs.

i'm trying really; to look as happy as possible, but this wasn't me. i felt like everyone was looking, and i had to be this person that i am certainly not. it's unfair i keep doing this to myself, but i couldn't live without validation, without the thought of knowing someone thinks i'm pretty.

it's never really been this bad but ever since i moved it's like i was playing a parody of myself. starving myself for days just to look good for the people at school and i cake myself up in makeup just to hide everything.

but it's so hard to hide when everyone is expecting me to be this "popular" girl when i'm not.

i'm just a stupid teenager who knows nothing. i'm so numb, drowning myself in alcohol almost every night, partying, and sleeping with people who don't give a fuck about me, just to feel something. anything.

why can't i just be someone else? even just for a day, to have my life together, to have a good home life, to be pretty, just for a day i'd want it. just to feel at ease, even if that meant returning to shit the next day.

like, zya for example. she seemed to be perfect. i've seen her on instagram, has a dog, some photos with her mom, a perfect body, nice friends. i mean she's the person i'd wanna be.

but i watch her from a distance, as creepy as it sounds, she's actually a very nice girl. but out of pure jealousy, i refuse to talk to her, as if it was a competition.
a part of me is trained to "be better" than every other pretty girl i see. it's not my fault, i can't help it. i'm just so jealous of them, their life, their looks, everything.

zya

billie seemed to be in her own world, dancing with people i didn't even know the name of. i sat and i sat and then i sat some more. i was at a party and knew no one. i've only ever been close to billie, she usually doesn't like people "getting in between us" but whatever.

and even if i did try i'd somehow ruin it.

there were so many people here, i couldn't even focus on one thing. id been offered drugs, a dance, and i've been told to hold some random girl's cup while she dances.

it's boring here, i feel out of place.

i allow myself to get up and walk to the kitchen, to get something to drink, (mostly to get away from everything.) this house weirdly had a door to the kitchen, so it was a closed room, making everything muffled.

weren't many people in here either, just boys refilling most likely their girlfriend's cups. the last person leaves and i'm alone. it's almost too good to be true, for the first time in forever i'm happy to be alone.

i don't wanna be here, but i couldn't say no. i could've, but i didn't.

what was wrong with me? it was like i let everyone else speak for me like i don't even have a mouth. i sit there and let people boss me around simply because i'm scared.

it's stupid but id always imagined what it would be like to just be— powerful? i don't know, like strong? or just independent. something like being able to just say "no i don't wanna go" or "no i don't wanna do that with you" is something so little yet something so hard.

i just want that power of being able to do what i want.

the door to the kitchen opens and i look up, it was a boy, rather tall actually, with pink locs that covered his face slightly. his brown skin, was almost perfect not even a blemish in sight.
his glasses framed his face well and his whole outfit was black besides all of the gold jewelry. very pretty guy.

"hey," he says, it makes me jump a little, i wasn't expecting his voice to sound so deep. "hi" i reply, simply out of respect, because if i'm being honest i didn't wanna talk to anyone.

"partys out there you know," the stranger says, refilling his drink with sprite. i chuckle, "i know" he turns around leaning on the wall to look at me "well then why aren't you out there?"

i shrug, "i wanna be alone."

he puts his hands up in defense with a bright smile "well i should probably go then, huh?" i almost say no, something about his was intriguing, he looked like he had such a good soul.

"well bye, then lonely girl," he says before walking out the door. i catch myself laughing at the cringey nickname, and in some weird way, he made me feel better.
-
somehow i ended up in the bathtub with billie, my back laying against her front as her arms wrapped over me. i felt, comfortable, safe.

this is what i meant when i said i wanted her to touch me. to let her see me like this is probably the most i've ever felt vulnerable. i felt as if she had just unwrapped me, taken away everything i bottled, and broke me down.

a tiny part of me is silently crying, in hopes of saving myself from whatever this is unfolding to be but i'm finally getting the attention i've craved. so i haven't stopped myself, in fact, i've been pushing it a little more than i should.

i could see this leading up to some fucked up shit but i want to believe that she won't hurt me like i think she will.

that i'm hers and she's mine. that we'll maybe even buy a house, have kids, be okay.

i may be thinking too far into this— "us," but i just want billie and i to be together, without wondering if she'll hurt me.

1232 words