ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

can i kiss you?

february 14, 2020

billie opens the door for me, holding out her hand after i get out of her car.
i look at it and then at her, she pleads with her eyes before saying the words "come on."

i sigh, taking her hand in mine. that seemed to calm her down, i mean this whole time i can practically see billies heart beating out of her chest.
id never seen her so nervous.

dinner was nice, i mean we talked about a lot, and other than the fact that she couldn't stop touching me id say it was pretty fun.
and i don't think i've ever had to bite back a smile as many times have i had tonight and i hate that so fucking much.

"where are we going," i ask after a while of walking on a wooden trail, billie looks at me as her thumb strokes the back of my hand.

"shhhh" was all she said.

i nod, continuing to look at her. i cant process the fact that billie and i know each other the way we do. i've never been so close with someone; i've seen every part of her, good and bad.

it's so scary knowing that she knows everything about me.
maybe i'm overreacting or being dramatic per usual but billies is just someone i don't think i could trust anymore.

the way she moves is sneaky, and i feel as if i have to always watch my back because i never really know what's next with her.

billie turns to me and smiles, "okay we're almost there, close your eyes."

i sigh "billie—" though she cuts me "just do it zya."

i close my eyes and for a second i'm just there before billie puts her hands on my waist.
jolting at the feeling i suck in a breath, causing billie to laugh "relax love."

she begins to guide me as i walked, and i honestly think that this isn't even real. perhaps i'm dreaming; i wouldn't mind it if i was.
"you okay," she asked and i nod before we come to a stop.

it is silent before billie says "okay, open them."

my mouth falls open when i open my eyes. it was stunning, and i'm not sure i've ever seen so many flowers at once in my life.

it was a flower field with a lake directly across, i begin walking, my hand going along the rows of flowers.

"you like it," billie asked as she smiles. she's smiling harder than i ever have seen, her dimples look so cute and the way she's looking at me makes me want to collapse.

"no" i joke, and she sucks her teeth "shut up."

i hum, a small smile beginning to form on my face "i do like it though— you're cute when you're not being a bitch."
billie drops her shoulders "come on" she drags out "can you let me feel good for one second?"

"whatever" was all i said as she began to walk up to me.
billie raises her eyebrows as she takes my hand "let's just enjoy each other's company, okay? we can talk about that some other time, yeah?"

i nod, following behind her to sit down.

i like this, but not with billie. all i can think about is what's happening after this, i don't think i need billie in my life right now. she seems more mature but it's only been a month, perhaps she's just gotten good at hiding her problems.

but i cannot deny that her affection makes me smile. just the subtle touches make me want to burst, and i hate that.

i hate that she makes me feel this way.

billies left-hand rests on my thigh as i lay against her chest. she sighs, "i like having you like this."

i look up to meet her eyes "having me?"

she chuckles "not actually having you zya— i just like the way you're making me feel at the moment."
i nod, smiling as one of her hands stroke over my thigh, "is this okay" she asked "me touching you? how do you feel?"

"i like when you touch me bil," i said softly, grabbing her hand to hold. they're soft, maybe i like this. maybe this isn't so bad; this whole date thing.

"really," billie says, squeezing my hand as she did. i hum, sighing as she kisses my temple.

this is what it's supposed to feel like; love. and perhaps i am just a searcher for love, perhaps i yearn for it as if it were air, but nothing can beat the feeling of real love.

i like being held as if i were a child, crying for attention. and i like being touched only by one person, i like being treated like i'm the best thing in the world.

because that's exactly what i deserve, right?

billie kisses my temple again, "thank you for letting me see you tonight."
she chuckles "even if you're still mad about everything, i really do enjoy this— being able to hold you feels like a breath of fresh air, i just can't thank you enough zya."

i smile, sitting up to face her.

"yeah, i'm still upset, not necessarily mad though," i say, touching her cheek for a brief second "i liked this too; you made me feel how i'm supposed to feel."

she smiles, and we sit in silence. i turn to face my head towards the lake; the moon glistening and reflecting on it.

i want to hold billie, i want to tell her i'm not mad, though no matter how many times i say it i know she will not believe me.

her smile is enough of an apology for everything; just seeing her dimples were enough, just to look into her eyes, just to fucking feel her is enough.

billie turns her head towards me, she smiles again beginning to blush.

i gasp playfully, "billie eilish blushing?"

billie laughs, "shut up," her face is red and she starts to play with her rings. it goes silent again before billie touches my cheek "zya?"

i hum, and she hesitates before asking "can i kiss you?"
"please?" i whisper against her lips, as she pulls me in.

i don't care if i'm stupid for perpetuating this never-ending loop. even if she leaves in the end, i'd do it again and again because nothing compares to the feeling of billie kissing me all over.

and gosh i would kiss billie until my lungs gave out; until my lips bleed and grow swollen.

1103 words