ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

does she really like me?

october 30, 2019

i skipped school today, something in me couldn't gather the energy to get myself up.

i feel alone. exposed. hurt.

i think billies telling people we did things, or just overall saying shit about me. i'm trying so hard to be good enough for her, by doing what she wants, letting her do things.

i know it's nothing but i let her see me, i let her touch me. i've told her things i wouldn't even repeat aloud, all because i want her to see me as more than a friend. but she turns around and just acts nonchalant.
i just wanna be good enough to talk to every day and i wanna be good enough that she will text me first. i wanna be so good enough to the point where i won't even have to think of billie not liking me.
it's so hard when i think i'm doing everything to be seen only to be easily pushed to the side.

i look at myself and wonder why can't i just be more than i am. i stare at myself for long hours and wonder what billie thinks of me, or what billie this and billie that. and i'm coming to realize billie just doesn't care.

she knows how easily i fall to her feet, how easily i can change myself for her liking, and she knows just how easily she can control me.

and i know as well, but for some reason, i won't allow her to stop.
-
the dress i was wearing was uncomfortably tight, my figure being on full display. i don't like it, i don't like "this," but i unconsciously did anything to please billie.

the tiny red dress seemed to not fit me right, as if i was oil and it was water.
but i was trying to make it work, moving around my boobs and hips so i can at least look like something other than a door.

"it looks good," billie says admiringly. she bought this dress; for the party tomorrow. the party in which i am not going to. i still don't have an excuse, an excuse to get me out of going.

she stands up, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on my shoulder as we make eye contact through the mirror. "you look gorgeous."

i chuckle, something in her tone told me she was just saying it to make me feel good. "what" billie smiles "you do."

i scan my body "do i?"

she hums, kissing my neck before doing so. "thank you billie" i say and she smiles "mhm."

billie

my eyes were glued to her breast, the way the dress pushed them up. god and how her curves looked in this, i could see her ass perfectly.

if there was one thing great about zya, it was her body. i mean yeah, "personality matters" blah blah blah all that bullshit, but her body was just somehow..better??

zya smiles turning her head to kiss my lips. i happily returned the kiss, grabbing her hips and turning them toward me.

she's good for sex, never says no, doesn't even think twice before opening her legs for me.

which to be honest i never would've taken her as the type but i'm pretty sure i'm the only person that's ever touched her like this.

which is good, it should stay that way.
-

zya

i stared at my ceiling, body still bare from actions before. she left a while ago, and i hadn't moved since she did.

a little of me felt used, vulnerable— hurt?

my eyes welled with tears but i didn't let them spill, or at least tried to not let them. i feel like there's no reason to be crying.

it's okay that we have sex, but a part of me, just a little tiny part was not ready. and of course, i can't take it back, it's happened a couple of times now, and every time i reluctantly say i'm okay with it.

i think the real reason i'm crying is that i don't think billie actually likes me. i mean, yeah we kiss, we fucked, but does she really like me?

i ask myself this because her eyes don't light up when she looks at me as i want them to, she leaves immediately after sex, and she doesn't even think twice before throwing harsh words at me when we have a disagreement.

i don't really like the "hot" parts of billie, all of me is a little softie. yeah, i wanna touch her but not like that. and i wanna see her naked but in a cute "take a bath together" way.

all i want is to be loved, no one has ever actually loved me. does billie love me? does she think of me as i think of her? or does she think of me in a way i'm not sure i'm comfortable with?

i'm afraid billie wants lust, the thought of my body, and the way i let her touch me. but for me? god, all i want is her love.

so this brings me to ask myself again, does she really like me?

870 words

authors note/ sorry this is short, i'm so super busy