ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

the sorrow that is left

december 8, 2019

my door opens and i'm met with a face i do not want to see. she sits on my bed, beginning to wrap me in a hug but i refuse and push her away.

she smelt of an all too familiar perfume, and it definitely wasn't mine.

"the fuck" she says "give me a hug" billie goes in again but i push her away, harder than intended.

billie stands up, but i do not look at her face to read her expression "the fuck is your problem?"

"where were you saturday" was all i said, as i got up to face her. she opens her mouth  before she answers i cut her off "and don't fucking lie to me billie or i swear to god" i chuckle humorlessly before she throws her arms up with a furrow of her eyebrows "i don't fucking know—i was just chillin'."

i hum, "i thought you overslept? why are you lying to me" i pushed her chest, causing her to stumble back.

billie furrows her eyebrows, grabbing my arm so harshly that i'm sure it'll leave a bruise "don't fucking put your hands on me" her face was so close i could feel the anger radiating off her skin.

"where were you saturday," i say again, as she pushes me away from her "at my house zya what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

i nod my head pulling out my phone, before showing her the screenshot of her and heather. her mouth opens slightly as she examines the picture and then my face "zya, that's old."

i shake my head to prevent the tears from spilling from my eyes "i thought we were waiting for each other billie," i said as she tries to take my phone away from me.

"that's my girlfriend zya, i can't just leave her" was what she said. "i thought i was your girlfriend" i yell as billie successfully takes my phone away to place it down.

billies eyebrows furrow "you were never my girlfriend zya? we never even made it official" she shakes her head "you must've thought we were but i never said that."

"we're not together," billie says.

i nod, choking back the tears in my eyes because i refuse to let billie see me cry yet again. "fuck" i shake my head "billie im fucking begging"

she scoffed as if she couldn't see me trying my best to keep her with me "begging for what zya? for me to like you?"

i furrow my eyebrows as i run my hands down my face "you just fucking said you were in love with me" i yelled, unable to hide my anger anymore.

"i'm so fucking stupid for believing your ass" i screamed as she takes a step back.

"i hate you," i yell into her face, and she takes another step back, as i did. "you don't mean that," she says, looking off to the side before looking into my eyes.

"i mean every fucking word of it billie."

my heart is in pain, but i'm not shocked. i fell for her tricks over and again, and each time i got the same result. she's stupid, and i'm even stupider, but i wanted to give her a second chance. i wanted to see how her words compared to her acts, but here i am again, trying not to cry at billie's actions.

"i try so hard, i do everything for you" i yell "but nothing— nothing ever stops you leaving!" billies face is unreadable as she has now sat down on my bed.

"zya, i do love you," she says, "bullshit billie" i yelled in return. "there's a huge difference between telling me you love me and actually fucking loving me!"

for a brief while, there is silence, so quiet that i can hear my own heart shattering once more. i'm sick of picking up the pieces and attempting to rebuild my heart again and again. i'm sick of trying for someone who clearly doesn't give a shit.
why am i so difficult to love? what is it about me that makes her want to leave?

my mind is attacking itself, and my body is on the verge of collapsing, so i take a seat on my bed. billie doesn't look at me as i sit so i don't look at her either.

i stare off before whispering, "me or her?"

"what" billie replied, unable to hear my heart-wrenching question.

"me or her," i asked again.

billie was deafeningly quiet and did not respond to my question right away. i could see in the corner of my eye that she was trying to say something but couldn't get the words out.

i know she's thinking it, but she's not letting herself say it.

"me or her billie," i said once more, turning my head to look at her. she looked at me as well, making eye contact as she did.

she licked her lips before saying "her."

i laughed humorlessly and shook my head before leaning into my lap. my body is freezing, and i feel like collapsing. i feel like i'm drowning in myself as if i'm bursting with emotions.

i'm too tired to tell billie to stop rubbing my back, and i'm too tired to argue with her about her decision. i'm used to the way billie leaves and returns, to the way she hurts me, and to the way I hurt her.

i'm used to that kind of way heartbreak feeling.

but my body still yearns and wishes for someone to put the pieces back together because i am tired of doing it myself.

my entire body aches, i'm nauseous, my stomach churns, and i feel as if i've been stabbed. i don't want to move since it might just make me throw up.

billie will never be what i require of her. i care far too much, and she cares far too little. i've tried thousand times to convince myself that she'll change, but she doesn't.

how could she abandon me again and again, knowing how much needed— need her?

and for a little minute, i thought she was going to stay, that she was going to be mine this time.
however, i am once again met with the disappointment of her lying.

i finally look up, scared to look at her face, but i do. her large blue eyes return, her lips curved slightly downward as the bottom one quivers.

"i can't help who i love" billie whispers, her sentence breaking into pieces as if she was glitching.

and then it all comes crashing down on me. the weight of it all was shattering my spirit like bone striking with iron. i'm collapsing into myself as i dissolve into my own self-hatred.

till all that's left is the sorrow of having tried so hard for someone who couldn't try for me.

1158 words