ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

overwhelming emotions

went a bit dramatic with this one🤗
also didn't proof read

may 17, 2020

as the hot water hits my back and travels down my body, it stings my skin. steam fills the bathroom, and I think my sobs are louder than the shower itself.

i hate getting slapped in the face with reality, i despise coming out of my thoughts and being confronted with my emotions.
i'm not sure i've ever been sadder than i am right now. i'm not sure why; i've got everything i've ever desired.

my grades are good again, i got a car not too long ago, im graduating in like a month? and of course, there's precious billie.

my life is wonderful, i suppose, but that tiny voice in my head is constantly there. is it possible that i don't deserve any of this? or am i simply being dramatic?

and no matter how much i try to ignore it, it always comes back.
i mean, i've liked myself for the previous few months; i've enjoyed my body, my hair, and pretty much everything about me.

and now it's almost as if i can't live with myself.

as i run my hands down my face,  i turn off the shower wrapping a towel around my body.

leaving my bathroom, i spot billie on my bed scrolling on her phone. she looks up at me, a small smile forming on her lips.

"hey," billie says "you okay?"

i sigh but nod as i turn away from her to grab clothes.
sometimes a thought lingers in the back of my head, that maybe billie doesn't love me as much as i think she does.

i don't think billie could ever love me as much as i love her, and i mean i really love billie.
just to fall asleep i have to imagine her, i have to imagine her kissing me, or her body crooked behind mine.

everything about her is enticing, from the way she smells to the way she feels. but maybe billie doesn't think of me that way; certainly, she's my girlfriend, and i'm hers, but i can't see someone caring so much about me.

and of course, i hope she does, but i can't help but let my mind run.

as i slip one of billies oversized shirts; not bothering to put on pants, i head over to my bed, sitting across from billie

she looks at me with a laugh, before pulling me in between her legs. i lean back into her, trying my best not to show discomfort.

she immediately puts her phone down, her arms begin to slither around my waist.

"what's on your mind mama" billie whispers, rubbing my sides. i shake my head, deeply sighing as i shut my eyes. 

"i don't believe that for one second" billie chuckles, "talk to me, what's wrong?"

my heart aches at her words, and i feel guilty for even thinking that billie couldn't love me.
i squeeze my eyes tightly; i don't wanna cry. i really don't wanna cry, i can't explain why i hate letting billie see me cry but there's just something about it.

"zya" billie drags out "please talk to me."

her voice in my ear just might make everything worse and i feel like shit for thinking the way i did.