ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

i will wait for you

november 26, 2019

billie

as my eyelids flutter open, i'm nearly positive it's still night due to zyas room's pitch-black darkness, but i'm incorrect when i hear birds chirping.

i look over, zyas is asleep as her hand rests on my cheek and her leg wrapped around my waist.

she appears to be exhausted as if she was still crying while sleeping. that's probably my fault, but the words i said weren't meant to be spoken.

my words slipped, and i fucked up.

it wasn't acceptable to think those thoughts in the first place, but they weren't about her. i can't help it when my mind jumps to the conclusion that someone else is to blame for my own self-hatred.

i felt zya begin to stir awake, she stops moving for a moment almost as if she was trying to register who was in her bed.

she removed her leg from my waist and her hand from my cheek, before turning her back to me.

zya was not always open about what she went through and sometimes she'd say things that alarmed me, but she always seemed at least—okay.

"don't do that," i say as i grab her waist but she only shook me off "please zya?"

she responds with a raspy voice "what— don't do what" she says harshly, "the same shit you've been doing to me?"

i'm a little taken back, she never says anything back. "you know that i-" she cuts me off "no billie i don't fucking know."

"you always say that, 'you know i love you but do i, do i really know? because you sure as hell don't act like it" zya says.

i don't know what to say because she's right. i don't know what to say because i am the bad guy. i don't know what to say because i know she will not accept my apology.

"please leave" though i cannot see her i know she is crying.
"i can't leave knowing you're crying," i say and she scoffs "you did it easily all the other times, what's so different?"

she was making me mad, the smart remarks were making my blood rise and i didn't like the tone in her voice.

"i'm just trying to talk to you," i say and she laughs "for once you are."

"why are you so upset, i'm trying to make sure you're okay! stop being so angry" i say causing zya to get up, turning her light on to reveal her puffy face and swollen lips.

"why am i not allowed to be angry?! why is it that you're the only person who gets a say? i have every right to feel the way i do billie" she shouts as she paces the floor and runs her hands down her face as she sniffles.

i rise, allowing my feet to dangle from her warm bed. zya is choking on her own breaths as she tries to regain her breathing.
we're arguing and she's sobbing at the crack of dawn. what a way to start the morning.

i'm not sure how i'm supposed to have two persons at the same time. i'm confused by how each forces me to make a decision. i'm not sure what i want, and i'm not sure how to express it.