ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

had i stayed

december 12, 2019

i couldn't tell if this teacher genuinely cared or if he was just trying to get me to do his work again, but his statements seemed sincere as if he understood how i felt.

"you're brilliant," he adds as he rummages through his papers, "and you know it, so what's the problem?"

i shrug, since, if i'm being honest, it didn't matter to me whether or not this teacher cared about me, because what happens after that?

nothing.

what's the point if nothing is going to change?

he sighs and runs his hand through his gray hair, which has recently been cut. he removes his glasses, allowing me to see his wrinkles more clearly.
"get all of this completed by next week," he says "and please just take care of yourself, other teachers are beginning to worry."

i nod taking the packets of work and walking out the door.
the halls were empty because everyone was supposed to be in class right now. i, however, got held back because of this stupid ass shit.

i unlocked my locker, shoving the packets of work in there before slamming it and beginning my walk to gym.

my hair tickles my neck and covers my eyes slightly while i play with my fingers in my hoodie pocket.

this week has been blurry, and i'm not sure what's going on around me.
and for the first time in my life, i don't give a fuck. i didn't care about how i appeared at school, the looks, or the subtle remarks that people have made.

who fucking cares? not me.

although the gym doors practically pulled me with them, i managed to open them before they banged shut behind me. it was suffocating in here, with too much movement and noise all at once.

i take a seat on the bleachers, burying my head in my knees and covering my head with my hoodie.

i should be participating, yeah, but who really wants to do gym at 11 in the morning?

i felt as if i hadn't seen billie all week, perhaps because i wasn't actually looking for her.
i'm attempting to make her just another side character in my life, so if i did see her, i probably didn't remember.

i want to make her a person who you rarely ever notice in the background unless they talk to you or ask for a pencil.

she's stupid enough to try and make herself a main character in my life, and i'd be stupider to let her, all because i'd want to hear her voice or some desperate shit.
but if i were being completely honest i didn't have much to say to billie.

we've already come to the conclusion that we're not for each other, and she's just not the person for commitment.
she never really know what she wants, never.

"zya" i hear my name on the loud megaphone my teacher carries around for no reason.

"you should be participating," he laughs "must be that time of the month huh" his statement practically echos throughout the whole gym and i could've swallowed myself up right then in there.

despite his comments, i don't budge, because the worst he can do is give me a low grade, and who really cares about that.

there's a tap on my shoulder, but i refuse to lift my head in the bright light.