ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

patience is key

november 21, 2019

i had yet to get up, the sun has not shone in my room in days seeing as i have not even been awake enough to open the curtains.

the taste in my mouth got unsatisfying and pasty as the days went by because i have not been up to even brush my teeth.
my head has remained under my covers as i lay in a pool of my own tears.

my eyes are swollen over and my lips are so big i cannot seem to even feel them.
my head seemed to be the only place i actually was. i was standing in the darkness of my mind, unaware that days were even going by, and unaware that i'm a living human being.

the knocks on my door echo throughout my head and i flinch from the intense ringing that it caused. it has snapped me back into reality abruptly and it felt as if my soul has been placed back into the body i despise.

"what," i say, voice raspy and throat burning, "someone's here for you" and with that my door was being opened.

i did not leave my spot though and i didn't even look to see who it was.

they hum, crawling onto my bed and leaning back on my headboard. "please leave" i say, despite not knowing who it is.

"you okay zy" the voice booms and causes me to flinch again, everything seemed to be louder than it was.

i recognize the voice and nod my head, though i'm sure he did not see it. "what's the matter" trey asked again removing the cover from my head.

"can i see your face pretty girl," he says as he grabs my chin delicately. i don't meet his eyes but i can see his mouth part and his eyebrows furrow.

"come here" he opens his arms but i cannot move. my body is heavier and i can't pick myself up.

i shake my head and he chuckles "you can do it, i'm only an inch away" his encouragement fails to help me but i'm appreciative that he is trying.

"zya" trey drags out "come on."

picking my body up slowly, i let my body slump into his arms and i lay my head into the crook of his neck.
"there you go" trey holds my head, stroking my cheek and the back of my neck as he whispers into my ear things like "you're okay" and "tell me what happened."

at times, i cannot see myself letting someone hold me like this because i tell myself that that is a job for billie.
but it is wrong to hold such high expectations for her. it's wrong for me to force her to do something just because i've convinced myself she will.

"nothing" i choked out "i'm fine."

he chuckles pulling away from the hug to look at me again "you don't look fine love" his voice is soft and i could almost fall asleep.

i could hear my voice as i talked, and the sound almost made me vomit. i can only imagine how i look right now; i've turned all of my mirrors in my room away from me because i would rather not see myself.

"i'm okay" i manage to crack a small smile. i say this mostly because i am trying to convince myself that billies words are her own self-hatred, that she didn't mean what she said.

but the truth is she's right and i can't seem to get it out of my head.

"you're just saying that" trey begins as he brings my head into his lap, "who made you upset?"

"billie" i hesitate, trey sighs but before he can begin i say "i don't wanna do this anymore, she's so mean and she keeps breaking my heart. my heart will not allow me to leave her in the dust trey" tears brim in my eyes burning as they come down.

he waits a minute before answering as he rubs tears off of my cheek. "i think" trey starts "i think learning to love who you are is a big step into letting go and healing what she has broken— what you have broken."

"self-love goes a long way, and once you've found it, you'll notice that you're physically growing. you'll break away and learn to value the small things" he says taking a breath right after.

"believe that through healing your inner mind, you will discover peace in the world, in your life, and in yourself. you can't give billie that pleasure; she understands how much she means to you and will utilize it every day of her life unless you react."

trey strokes my cheek with his thumb as he talks to me softly "growing entails recognizing what was beneficial to you and what was detrimental. i know it's difficult to let go, but in order to be healthier, you must accept and breathe in the reality that this isn't good for you."

i sniffle running my hand up and down my arm "i do, unfortunately, seek her validation. i need her, and i need her to want to be with me. it's so aggravating to like someone who isn't fascinated in you."

trey scoffs "you don't need shit, stop trying to convince yourself she's the one zya. you don't need her, and you never have. she hurts you so much how can you even begin to start that sentence? you are more than you think do not let billie hold you back" his voice his stern, catching me off guard.

billie has harmed me more than anyone else, yet no one knew her as well as i did.
i knew her differently; the girl i knew, the one i grew up with, would never say anything negative about me.

i have no idea what occurred since she was so sweet, so kind, and so wonderful.
but she is, nevertheless, so much more than she is now. i'm not sure how or why she's developed this shell around her real self.

however, i wished she would break it and show me how much she cares.

"you think you can sit up," trey asks softly, i shake my head no but i know he'll make me try.

he hums "can you try?"

i sit up, my body feeling weak. my head falls into my hands, sighing as my feet dangled off my bed trey gets up and stands in front of me.

"it's okay," he says taking my hands in his "stand up for me alright?"

it's humiliating to need someone to assist me in standing up. i'm embarrassed to need someone to hold my hand just to keep my balance while standing in place.

trey hugs me, and i unconsciously place my hand into his hair. he sighs rubbing my back, "you're so young love" he says.

"don't expect love so soon, because eventually, someone will love you in a way that you have only imagined. someone will come along and treat you the way everyone else has refused to."

"all you have to do is wait."

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