ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

covered in blood

november 18, 2019

it's been a few weeks, life is chaotic and i'm almost certain i'm going crazy.

my grades are the worst they've ever been, i've always tried to keep a good report card for the sake of my mother but it's almost as if i couldn't do it.
my head is constantly in a spiral, unaware of what's going on around me, my life moving as quickly as i can blink.

billie and heather are dating, they've been dating for a good while, even when billie and i were still talking.

i have no one but the voice of my mother telling me to come and eat or to get my grades up, and of course trey, but i don't want him to be so consumed with my problems.

billie has me blocked on everything, i question what i did wrong but she simply says "heather doesn't like you" so i went with it.

it was like a breakup, but not really, because is it even that big of a deal if we're just friends?

she was never mine, but i was hers. i gave myself to her like i was nothing but a barbie you'd pick up off a shelf.
and i didn't mind it as long as i'd get to be with her, but it wasn't enough.

was i only the skin on my bones? were my lips only convenient? i have been there for her longer than i can remember, even when i did not want to be touched when i did not want to be kissed when all i wanted was a hug because i was hurting.

though she did not care.

i adopted her problems as my own, and i held her when she did not feel alright.
but i got nothing.

and that's all i will get for now because i know that i am not ready to let go and i know that i am still in love with the person who wouldn't even turn their head for me.
-
"you leave me here, alone and reaching for you to hug me. you leave but not before spitting mean words at me, words that break my heart and turn me to dust. why can't i be good enough for you bil, why is it that you don't care about me?"

billies face is unreadable, but i can spot the small look of anger. her face is turning red slowly and she bites her lip ever so often.

she'd come to my house for god knows what, and just started talking to me as if she didn't basically break up with me.

"i know you like heather, but if you like her so much then why do you return to me? why do you leave me but come back as if nothing happened? why do you linger in a place you do not want to stay?"

billie licks her lips before smacking them together "you done?"

i nod and she leans on the wall in my bedroom, i begin to bite on the inside of my cheek, afraid of what she'll say.

"you know zya, i try so hard not to make you feel bad but i'm so tired of you thinking i have to do something just because you're a sensitive little bitch."

billie steps closer to me "you bottle yourself in a tiny little container and seal the lid tight. you think it works but everyone can see just how much you're falling apart. everyone can see you zya you're not slick or sneaky, we see you gaining weight, we see you crying in the bathroom stalls and we most definitely see how much of a wreck you've become."

billie chuckles humorlessly as she leans down into my face, her breath hitting my lips "so don't blame it on me. this is all you, it's your fault and it always will be."

my heart breaks, and tears stream down my face at a rapid pace. my eyesight blurs, and all i can see are my trembling hands rising to cover my face.

"don't cry now, it's too late to feel sorry" billie speaks from above me.

i'm sitting on the floor, gasping for air.

"we see you gaining weight."

"it's all your fault."

it was of course true but it did not feel good to hear it. it did not feel good to feel it come out of someone else's mouth.

i knew billie had not liked me, but to say something like that— was excruciating.

"i thought you—" i'm trying to get my sentence out but i simply cannot. my breathing is out of the ordinary and i cannot seem to stop the tears.

"i thought you liked me" i choked through the sobs, my breath is getting caught in my lungs and i'm clinging onto dear life to stop myself from passing out.

my chest heaves and i am crying louder than i ever have.

billie comes down, placing a hand on my cheek as she wipes the tears. "oh angel," she starts "why would i like you?"

billie stands back up, her touch leaving me to cry even harder "why would anyone like you?"

oh.

my head is pounding as if someone were on the inside, begging to be let out.

"stop acting as if you didn't know zya. i never liked you okay? you were just— just a quick fuck you know? i'm sorry if you felt like i wanted something more but i don't, and that's probably all you'll ever be wanted for in life, so get used to it."

billie sighs before giving me one last look "i gotta go, get your shit together you're a mess."

she's gone again, and i'm cursing myself for wishing for her to return.

it's terrifying that she tells me i'm the worst person on the planet, but i still adore her.

i don't know how my heart allows me to ignore the rudeness and continue to yearn for her touch.

because the horns and tail are quite visible but i choose to ignore them because of her persuading smile and big blue eyes.

it is like she is holding flowers; flowers that have been set on fire blooms with thorns that are thick enough to stab you in the chest.

despite its appearance, i accept the flower and allow the thorns to pierce my heart.

and as my vision fades and i become weak, i see her walk away, leaving me covered in blood from the damage she has caused.

1092 words