ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

perhaps she likes it?

this is the worst chapter i've ever written lol

january 3, 2020

i sat on the bleachers, about to put my head down when i hear "i know it was you," i turn my head in confusion and see heather standing behind me. 

she had on sweatpants and a hoodie today which is surprising, she crosses her arms waiting for me to respond but i genuinely don't know what she is talking about.

"huh," i say and she rolls her eyes "don't act stupid," she says "you know i genuinely opened up to you, and then you just go and steal billie from me? i've been crying nonstop zya, how could you do that?"

i furrow my eyebrows "i definitely didn't steal billie from you" it's quiet for a moment.
she doesn't look like she's been crying but i suppose she has hidden it with makeup, but despite the makeup, she still looks sad.

her eyes are dull and swollen and the tip of her nose is still red.

"billie broke up with you," i ask and she nods, tears dropping slowly.
i sigh, bringing her in for a hug. she cries, and i honestly don't think i've ever seen her cry.
heather and i aren't close, but i still see her a lot of the time. she always looks happy, and she always looks as if she knows she's the prettiest girl in the room.

i would've never expected her to be so sensitive.

"billie cut me off too," i say "on new years," i was trying to not make her feel like absolute shit but it wasn't working.
"i thought you guys weren't friends" heather sniffs, laying her head on my shoulder.

i shrug slightly, "it was complicated," i sighed "she had been coming to me crying for like weeks" i chuckle "saying how bad she missed me and how she 'fucked up.' and of course, i comforted her you know because i'm not a shitty person, but you know how billie is; she just doesn't change."

heather nods, "did she say anything about me?"

i hum, "she kept saying how she needed a break you know? from everything and everyone" i went silent, debating if i should tell her about billies confession.

"but not anything about you" i finish "she was just going through a lot."

she nods, and replies "okay." heather and i sit in silence, the only sound being the leaves blowing.

it hurts my heart to not know what billies doing, and that i don't get to see her. she's homeschooled now, so if i really wanted to see her i'd have to go to her house, which i definitely don't wanna do.

i just don't know why she made the choice she did? for me, she says but what does she mean? she didn't even cry when she was telling me all this, so a part of me thinks she doesn't even care.

but me? oh, i don't think i ever cried so hard, my chest was so tight and when i got home i threw up, twice. not all because of billie but because i hate myself so much for being so considerate.

i'm too fucking nice all the time, and i truly can't help it. i mean if billie were to stand in front of me right now, i'd ask if she was okay if she wanted a hug.

and even if i didn't love billie as much as i do, even if she was a complete stranger, my heart still couldn't withstand seeing her cry.
-
too many tears and too much time wasted on a girl that couldn't even turn her head back while walking away. 
too much love wasted.
too many words.

my back hit the grass of my backyard harder than i expected. my hands played in my dog's fur, as the breeze chilled my body slightly.

as i stared into the sky, that i wish to see stars in i couldn't help but sigh.
i'm such a wreck and i'm only 18. i can't keep doing this, it hurts so bad being left and it hurts so bad to see her apologize just to do it over again.

and yeah, it's my fault because i just keep letting her and it's my fault because maybe there's just something about me that scares her away.

but i'm a nice person to be around.

right?

i don't know, maybe i'm not, maybe that's why i just can't keep people with me. am i that annoying? why doesn't billie wanna be around me? what's so bad about me?

maybe if i just hadn't gone over to her at that party; would she still have done what she did, or was it just the heat of the moment?

i don't understand why billie can't just talk. why can't we speak about what is bothering us? why can't we let each other know why we hurt?

that's how a relationship works, no?

so many questions.
so many things to say.
so little time.

if i was not so forgiving would all of this even be happening? or would i be on my journey of healing?

i guess it doesn't matter because neither one is enough for billies pleasure.
and when i think of how many times this is has happened, when i think of the words that fall from her lips; i can't breathe.

i spiral because my head doesn't know why i'm so hard to love, and the only answer it can come up with is that i'm just me.

but i don't want to think of that anymore, i don't want to think about billie or love or fucking anyone.

i just want to think of me. i want to love me and cherish me because is it so bad to look out for myself?
does that make me selfish? does that make me ignorant? why am i not allowed to love me?

somehow, someway, billie found answers to my questions. she made sure to let me know why i shouldn't care about myself, and i listened.

and it hurt because i knew what she was saying was true.

i felt it all, i felt her words, i felt the way they hit me and push me down so hard i bled.
though i don't even think she cares about the scars or the blood or even my cries..

perhaps she likes it?

1063 words