ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

dying for life

july 4, 2021

it was almost impossible getting billie and trey in the same room, they practically wanna rip each other's heads off from what i've seen.
trey seems to be not so subtly pulling me away from billie as i sit in the middle of them, outside where a firework event is being held.

billie pulls me back, putting her arm around my shoulder "what's your little boyfriend's problem" she whispers though i'm sure he heard it.

trey blurts "can you shut up" and i think that's enough to drive billie over the edge.
"dude, the fuck is your problem" she exclaims and i immediately get up, because i am not about to be in the middle of this.

"let's go get food, yeah," i say pulling them both up, to which they respond with grumbles and eye rolls.

billie puts her around my shoulder while trey stuffs his hands into his pocket. this is only the third time we've talked since our whole fight.

which was dumb now that i think about it.

we got into an argument about how i didn't care about him and all he wanted was for me to just talk to him.
which i felt bad about, and i apologized for but he still seemed a little upset.

"hey," i say softly as i grab his hand and interlock our fingers "you okay?"

he nods, squeezing my hand "i really missed you zya" trey begins to say but billie has cut him off "okay so what are we getting?"

he rolls his eyes before sighing "i'm gonna go okay? please come see me" he gives billie a look before finishing his sentence "alone."

i nod "i will, i love you," i say watching as he walks off; he doesn't reply.

i turn toward billie who has a playful smile on her face, i push her slightly "not fucking funny billie, seriously."

she shrugs, taking my hand to pull me towards some trail behind the event.
i sigh, removing my hand from hers "where are we going? i wanna watch the fireworks."

billie shrugs "i don't know— hold my hand."

she interlocks our fingers again, dragging me throughout the forest. billies smiling, her grip on my hand getting tighter as we walked.

every time i look at her, her eyes glow, blinding me by how bright they seemed to be. especially when she talks about how fun her college is, or how she's glad i'm here for the summer.

i don't know, billies changed.

billie doesn't seem to mind that i haven't changed at all. she sits and talks to me, assuring me that everything is fine, that i am fine, that we're fine.

i want to seep into her mind and see what must go on up there because how is it billie has had the most progress? i envy her, in every possible way though i can't be mad at her for finding herself.

i'm afraid to ask her how she's done it, how she became happier, how she's just able to live.

because, as much as i hate to admit it, i only feel good when she's around; i can't be alone and enjoy life and it kills me inside.

it's not fair.

i want to learn how to be alone, without being lonely.
-
"sometimes when i look at you, all i see is light" billie starts. we had come to her house after the fireworks and now billie has made me sit down with her so she can "get things off her chest."

it's kinda stupid, but i didn't want to make her feel bad about it.

"and it just becomes so blinding zya," she says, her voice low. "you're everything to me— everything and more, and when you act like you don't care; it makes me upset."

i nod, this has become a reoccurring thing with billie and i. most of the time all we do is sit and talk about how much we've hurt each other, because according to billie "accountability is key."

which i agree, yet talking about it makes me reminisce causing me to become sad about the things i let fly.
so many red flags, so many words, and so many tears were being pushed to the side all because i was in love.

"i do care," i say "i care so much but how am i supposed to believe you when all you've done is lie?"

as her fingers fall from mine, she parts her lips though no words come out. she begins playing with her rings, as billie always does when she's just been called out.

"i'm sorry, i didn't mean for it to come out like that," i say but billie shakes her head "you're fine, and you're right— all i did was lie to you, and i'm sorry."

"nothing can take back the words i've said to you zya, nothing can take back the tears or the begging, and nothing i do can make you forget all of that trauma, all i can say is i'm sorry though i know that is not enough."

i furrow my eyebrows together with a nod, as i begin to hold her hand again "billie it's not just you're fault."

she shakes her head once more "don't do that shit zya, you always try to take the blame when you feel bad."

"it's okay" billie smiles weakly, "seriously, this is all on me."

i don't respond, not knowing what to say. what do i say? i can't tell if she feels bad about getting all the blame or if she's truly just upset because i was about to.

i wonder how we've gotten to this point, how have we gotten to this point?

sometimes my mind wonders and i begin to think of things that would have turned out differently. if i had said that one thing, or if i hadn't gotten with billie in the first place, would we have been this mature?

would we have successfully just talked out our problems?

or would we have argued?

billie always seemed to argue with me, and i tried to forgive her even though it pained me.
i used to do everything in my power to make billie and i work but i was killing myself trying to give us life.

and if i hadn't stopped her when i did, i think would've died.

1082 words