ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

tear me apart

august 29, 2021

an all too familiar feeling has returned as i stuff my bags into my mom's trunk.

billie is beside me as trey helps me put my bags in the car. i sigh, closing the trunk as we stuff ourselves into the backseat.

i lean my head in treys lap, as his fingers find their way on my scalp. he delicately runs his fingers through as billie says "how do you feel?"

i shrug "i feel fine" nothing extreme. i guess it isn't all so bad as i have billie with me this year, but still, leaving home always hurts.

my mom hops in, looking through her mirror as she chuckles "you all look like a bunch of kids."

i giggle, closing my eyes as she begins to drive.
-
billies hold on my hand tightens as they call my flight. i chuckle, taking my hand away to hug trey, "see you soon" i whisper in his ear as he begins to pull away.

"okay," trey says.

i turn towards billie with a playful eye roll "i'll see you soon eilish, don't even worry."
she sniffs playfully and i laugh "i gotta go okay?"

i begin to walk away with a wave but billie pulls me, "wait" she says bringing her hand up to touch my cheek, i hum eagerly seeing as i had seriously had to go.

"yeah," i remark as she remains silent; billie chuckles and shakes her head.
"i wanna kiss you" she whispers softly, avoiding my gaze. billie and i haven't kissed or said "i love you" this summer; the only thing we appeared to say was "i've  missed you."

i don't mind because i'm not sure billie loves me like that any longer, and i'm not sure i love her like that either, so it's fine; i definitely don't care.

i smile and respond with "yeah?"
billie nods with an eager look on her face, as i shrug "kiss me then."

she chuckles, holding my face to kiss my lips.

her lips taste different than they did before, or perhaps it's just because it's been so long.
my hands clutch her wrist, unable to let go of her.

as i begin to float and bounce off the walls, it feels like our first kiss all over again. the sensation is burning, yet i don't want to draw away, even though i know i should.

she ultimately pulls away, her lips swollen in the same manner they were just a few years before.

"i've been wanting to do that ever since you came back," billie says, a lazy grin on her face.

"oh," i say with a laugh, "why didn't you tell me?"

she shrugs "you were so hooked around the 'just friends' topic, i was scared."

"billie eilish scared" i tease, watching as her face turns a bright red "shut up," billie says, taking hold of my hand again.

"i'll see you soon my love," billie says, squeezing my hand before she drops it.

"see you soon" i reply, beginning my walk. my mom is not flying with me this year seeing as i'm an "adult," which i don't like to be reminded of.

i've already started missing them, particularly billies lips. i had no desire to kiss billie, but as soon as she placed her lips on mine, i almost passed out.

billie and i had a great summer together, and i think i love her much more now than before.

i'm sure she could tell because it wasn't very subtle. from the way, we'd joke around to the way we cuddled every time we slept.

just by looking at my face when we were together, anyone could tell.
but i knew the game, we both knew, billie and i in a relationship aren't so great.

so we agreed to maintain our friendship and keep our distance.

we pretend to be friends, but we both know we're not. we were both aware of the high level of tension as well as the evident love.

but, despite our best efforts, billie and i aren't very adept at playing soulmates. it never truly worked, and it wasn't the healthiest either.

so i hope to meet someone who can make me as happy as possible. to find love that is so pure that i wouldn't mind dying to save it.

someone who won't, tear me apart.

the end

i love u guys for reading this :(