ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

deceived

november 25, 2019

the mirror seemed to be cracking the longer i stood there with just a bra and shorts on. the lighting in my room was dark so i could see the blemishes patched into my skin.

as i stood there i acknowledged the bags under my eyes and how they've grown deeper into my skin.
and my thighs, how they smushed each other so much that i'm sure that if they had faces they'd suffocate.

i question myself much more than i did before, some things that i would've never even thought about.

today i woke up without a thought in my head and i questioned if i were even laying in bed.
i felt sad feeling my eyes open but i couldn't figure out why. i wanted to cover my ears because today is too loud and i wanted to scream until my lungs gave out.

i let a tear slip from my eye before wiping it away. still, i imagine it is her hand, and i imagine her kissing my forehead, nose, and then my lips.

i imagine she is hugging me and telling me it's okay, but she's not. so i let out a shaky breath and take a step back into reality.

i'm honestly the stupidest person on earth for allowing myself to be so dead all because one person said mean words.
and i'm even more stupid for still allowing that person to be in my heart.

the o'connells have been downstairs for hours now, enjoying thanksgiving dinner but honestly, i'll pass.

but i can still hear them, and i can hear billie's voice above all others. why did i want her in my room now, why did i want her to talk to me?

i want to take her words and taste them on my lips. i needed to feel her, i needed to crawl deep inside her veins as they pumped warm blood.

her skin; i need to feel it on mine.
and her lips, i need to feel them against me again, as her hands touched every part of me i didn't like.

maybe i just needed something to cling to, something that made me happy. i don't think i can do this on my own, therefore i required help.
someone who tells me what's wrong and what's right, and who tells me what i should and shouldn't do.

i'm quite devoted to billie, yet she doesn't even want to talk to me.
but who am i without Billie?

i surround my whole life around her. what she needed, what she liked or disliked, what she was upset about.
that was my thing; solving her problems, doing things for her.

who do i be? what's my purpose?
-
the knock on my door rang in my thoughts. they are knocking again, so my voice must have gone unheard.

despite being beneath my blankets and unable to see who it is, i say come in.

my bed finally sinks, and it takes a while for the vanilla scent to linger in my nostrils. i sigh, unable to keep my own breath from choking me.

"you good," she says, acknowledging my short breaths. "good," i say quietly after clearing my throat.

she hums, and i can't stop the words from spilling out of my mouth "how are you and heather?"

she chuckles "wouldn't you like to know."

oh.