ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

far too broken

june 8, 2020

as i sit crisscrossed in treys backyard he blows out smoke from his mouth, sighing as he did. i sat and watched, i don't smoke, nor do i have the urge to, so i sat in the comfortable silence.

on another note, it's about a week until i graduate? not something i'd been looking forward to at all. growing up, as i've expressed before, is an emotional topic and all i can say is fuck that all of that getting older shit.

i like how my life is right now, not grown but old enough, i feel good.

i mean i've grown up and i can't even process it. am i even alive? maybe i am just here, i don't know.
some type of confirmation would be great, though i kinda like it like this; not knowing who i'm truly supposed to be. not knowing makes me feel like i have to ability to do anything, that i don't have to live up to a standard trying to be that person i was "made to be."

trey hums asking "what's going on in that pretty little head" before inhaling his blunt.

i shrug swaying a little in the hammock, "life."

he nods "you scared to graduate or something?"

"i dunno," i say sheepishly "yeah, more so scared of college and growing up and shit."

trey hums again, "i get that" his voice is soft letting me know he genuinely cares "but just relax, it'll all flow so easily you'll wonder why you even worried."
i reply with a simple "okay" as i laid back into the fabric.

"something else going on" trey ask, acknowledging my discomfort. i chuckle humorlessly "just billie, per usual."

he sucks his teeth "so tired of her name dude, fuck her."

i laugh, billie and i hadn't talked since the whole college conversation after she took me home she made it clear she was angry toward the topic. though i think she's just scared, she likes us, our relationship, and i don't think she can handle the thought of me being away from her.

she'd ever admit this shit either, but billie needs someone. someone by her side, someone to rely on, which is such a disadvantage in our relationship.

but yeah i get it, i get all of it but still, i can only do so much.

"yeah she's just emotional about me going to college," i say in more so a question than a statement.

"why? isn't she going" trey asks, finishing his blunt. i shake my head "yeah, something about art school i don't know" i rambled, playing in my hair.

billie had a long talk about music, and how she's recently found it as a way of expressing herself. she went on to say she applied to "the los angeles recording school."
which i don't really mind, if it's something she likes then fuck it, you know?

problem was she wanted me to go with her, take down something with dance. which i loved to dance, but i don't want to live here anymore, i can't wallow in all of the nostalgia. i couldn't stay here knowing just how much i adored it.

if i did, i don't think i'd ever grow up.

"oh," trey says "what about long-distance?"

i laugh with a shake of my head "with billie? no fucking way she'd ever survive."

he laughs in response, laying back in his grass.