ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

our little roots

january 31,2020

billie

i sat parked with my car off, watching— well i don't like to say watching it sounds creepy, more so observing zya.

she looks pretty, i don't think i've ever seen her so radiant. her skin absorbed the sun, and she smiles at something on her phone. it almost makes my heart hurt to see such a pretty smile. zya doesn't smile as much, it's almost like seeing it for the first time.
she shakes her head, her curls bouncing around with her as she did (she's gotten more comfortable with that.)

i sigh, leaning my head on my window, someone like zya— i don't know, it's once in a lifetime.

and i just want to see her happy, i want someone to make her happy, and gosh it hurts my soul that i'm not the one to be able to do that. i bring out the worst in her, we bring out the worst in each other.

often, i think it hurts more to be away rather than being with her. yes, both hurt so badly, but i wouldn't mind a life of torment if it meant i could be with her.

but i don't think i could put her through that again; i don't think i could watch her smile fade.

it's challenging, trying to decipher which one hurts the most, but i truly do think it's being away from her.
i mean this past month has been the worst and on new years i don't think i've ever cried so hard. i threw up, twice, and as i walked away i wanted to scream.
i covered my ears because i couldn't stand to hear zyas cries echo throughout the street.
and i looked back, only to find her still walking, would she not turn her head for me? even for a second?

her number is still blocked, but i think that one's just on me. i have the choice to unblock her at any second but i won't.
it's not something i need to do right now, and i'm almost certain she's still mad at me.

maybe i'll be able to gather the courage to send her a text eventually, but for now, i think i'm okay.

and perhaps for this past month, i was convincing myself i was over whatever was going on between us.
but as i watch her smile the more butterflies erupt leading to more tears and restless nights.

i wish i had embraced her longer that night, especially her lips.
i wish i had hugged her for longer because there's a 99 percent possibility i won't be able to return to zya's life.

i keep walking away, and i know it hurts, but i can't help myself. i'm in need of reassurance. guidance? i truly don't know, but i really wish i knew how this love thing worked.
-

zya

my tears burn when they run down my cheeks, and my eyes feel like they are being yanked out of my head. i cannot breathe because my nose is clogged and my body trembles so much i can hardly even move.

i want to be okay because i deserve to be okay, but it is so hard to live when everyone around you is telling you not to; when everyone is telling you you're not allowed to be your own person.

and i'm so tired of it. i'm so tired; tired of living in dishonesty and unnecessary bullshit.

i'm so tired of everyone leaving me, and i'm so tired of needing guidance. why can't i just pick myself up? why is that so hard? why do i always need somebody?

as trey holds me, he tells me it's okay and that it's okay to need help.
but when it gets to a certain amount of times i can't help but think "what's wrong with me" because why can't i learn my lesson?

"i need you to calm down for me please, love," trey says wiping my tears, but there's no point because more fall and replace the dry space.

"breathe for me," he says "okay?— you're okay baby i promise" he takes my head, putting his hands on each side. 
he nods "breathe zya," i nod as well trying my hardest to breathe.

for this whole month, i've been trying to convince myself i'm over billie; that my life was great and i was happy and it was working. i was okay, and i even went out somewhere by myself.

it was my choice, and it felt good to be allowed to make my own decisions, but then i saw her. and i don't think she realized i saw her because she kept on staring.
but my heart sank, and i couldn't stop the ache in my chest from spreading. she seemed sad, perhaps even sadder than i was.

and at that moment i just wanted to touch her, hold her, like we were doing before. i wanna go back to whatever that was; as much as i begged for it to stop happening.

it's so fucking embarrassing loving someone who has hurt you so many times you cannot even count.
i'm such a child, clutching her outstretched hand in search of affection and love that i only see in fantasies.

i'd want to believe that our timing was off, that we weren't destined to delve into the depths of our relationship near the end of high school.
but, to be honest, i can't because who am i kidding? she doesn't want the same things, and maybe i was willing to change what i wanted for her.

maybe i was willing to change my route because she wanted to do something else, but where's that gonna get us?

more hurt and more agonized bruises? i believe billie and i just aren't capable of love.

our roots are too far gone; they've been through far too much. too much destruction equals too little growth.
no more tears can be poured in hopes of a sprout, no more lies, no more kisses, no more pity; for it only serves to further ruin us.

and, sadly, our little roots cannot even grow a blossom, as they have died before they can even begin to grow.

1042 words