ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

what once was

didn't proof read

august 29, 2020

"time is going way too fast" is all i can think as my suitcases are being stuffed into my mom's trunk, trey helping me.

my expression on my face is nevertheless the worse look i've ever had, and i'm not making an effort to hide it. i've always hated growing up and this is making everything worse.

"you good" trey asks as my mom runs back inside the house. i shrug, i don't wanna talk.

he sighs "college fucking with you?"

i nod, but i can't seem to tell him the rest. i get inside the backseat of my mom's car, trey following, "i wanna go to the airport with you, that fine?"

"that's okay" i mutter before closing my eyes and letting my head fall onto his shoulder. i hum, loving the fact that he excepts me not wanting to be vocal at the moment.

im sad, and i haven't been truly sad in a moment.

after billie left i was sad for the rest of the month, and then i got over it, excepting that we were done.
now i can't seem to pinpoint where the sadness is coming from, possibly college but i just have a feeling it's something else.

a little of me doesn't want to leave, i know i'll miss everything, maybe even billie.

we were supposed to be there for each other forever it just hurts a little that we couldn't keep our promise.

other than that i just know my life is about to all go to shit. i cant make friends, i'll have no one, no one's gonna like me and i'll be one of those weird kids in class.

what if i never love anyone again? i couldn't even imagine loving someone after what billie put me through; i don't wanna go through that again.

"hey," i say shakily causing trey to hum "i can't do this."

he sits me up as he furrows his eyebrows "what?"

"i cant," i say, and i really don't wanna be one of those bitches who cry before leaving but fuck i'm so close to breaking down.

"yeah you can," he says, as my mom gets into the car immediately asking what's wrong but all i can do is put my hood over my head.

i don't wanna talk about my feelings with my mom, all she'll say is "stay then, i got your back" which i yeah i do wanna stay but i can't, i need to do this for me.

"nothing, can we just go?"
-
howard university, an HBCU in washington is where i'm going, by the way, i don't know how the fuck i even got in.

a part of me wishes i didn't, so i could stay home and be in la for the rest of my life. memories that i'll never get to relive, and people in high school i'll probably never see again make me miss it.

not that they gave a shit about me, or i gave a shit about them, i just feel too much time was wasted.
mostly because of looking after billie but i can't blame my shitty ass life on her, it's not her fault i can't speak up for myself, and it's not her fault i threw away party nights for tears.

my eyes follow the clouds i'm over, and i can't tell how long i've watched them as they blend together and my vision unfocuses.
my mom is asleep next to me, only because she swore she'd never let me ride a plane by myself.

if someone had told me 5 years ago today i'd be on a plane to college without billie i'd laugh. if i'm being honest i don't think i've ever even been out of la without billie; we seemed to always be together.

and yeah this is for my own good, billies not good for me, im not good for her but god i would give anything to have her sitting next to me.

i remember just how much billie and i promised we'd never give each other up, no matter what.

"we have our whole lives ahead of us" she used to say, and i remember this thing, which is so stupid looking back at it but billie and i used to always stay up because she said that if we went to sleep, we wouldn't make enough memories to tell our kids.

we never made it past 1am without maggie coming in and shutting the tv off, but that didn't stop us from telling jokes under the covers.

it's pretty corny thinking of memories as i leave la, but i sort of love it. in fact, it's straight out of some coming-of-age movie, as the scenes fade by in slomo with some cheesy instrumental.

and if i had to pick my instrumental it'd definitely be "what once was" by "her's."

stupid but i like thinking of it.

i click on my spotify, clicking play on the song shutting off my phone, and as soon as i do a text comes through, labeled with just 3 dots.
my airpods read it to me, saying "why didn't you tell me you left today" in a robot voice.

i click on our messages, the last one being from june reading "i love you forever."

...

why didn't u tell me u left today?

didn't know you cared

ofc i care
fuck zya
when can i see u again?

idk billie
i cant see you even when i do come back

call me when you land or some shit
i miss you

probably won't
srry
i miss you too

i hesitate to send the last message, but my fingers have already pressed send before i can even think.
she reads it immediately, beginning to type but abruptly stops.

i wonder what she has on her mind.

i cross my arms and rest my head on the window of the plane. when i land, i won't call billie, just because i don't want to.

i could, but why do that to myself, to risk even hearing her voice? hell no, and i'm playing it a little dangerous texting her back but i can't see or hear her so i don't care.

i stare out my window once more, im thinking about billie more than i should. i hate when she runs circles in my mind, making me dizzy.

i miss her, i miss us, i miss what once was.

1082 words