ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

had she stayed

didn't proof read im tired

december 18,2019

i slumped onto trey, who was laying on his bed, half-asleep. he groans, pulling me in "what's wrong with you" he says as i remove myself from his arms and sit up, criss-cross.

i sigh, and shake my head "just bored," i say but he only hums. i tap my fingers on his forehead and he laughs, smacking my hand away "i'm trying to sleep, zya."

i smile, leaning my back against his headboard "you know today's billies birthday, i was gonna tell her happy birthday in school but i didn't see her."

he hums "who cares about billie," trey says. i laugh, though it hurt to hear. i wish billie would've just been the one, i wish i didn't have to tell people that she isn't as bad as they think.

how am i supposed to convince trey when all he knows is the pain she's brought me? all he knows is what i tell him, and i hardly ever tell him something good.

"you know she's trying to be better, that's what she told me," i say, but trey only sucks his teeth.

"she's told you a lot of things," trey says.

i don't answer, because it's true, but i always try and at least give her a chance. billies so fucking hypocritical, and indecisive, and sometimes i question if she even knows what's coming out of her own mouth.

we hadn't talked since the whole bathroom incident, because there isn't much to say.

i don't know, i don't miss her, but i fucking wish i didn't leave that bathroom.
-

billie

heather's clear lipgloss has left a stickiness on my face, and her fruity perfume has left a scent on my clothes. i haven't been able to get away from her these past few days, and her attention is even worse because it is my birthday.

i know she's my girlfriend, but i can't deal with her insatiable desire to be with me at all times.

i want space but don't know how to express it; i want the world to stop so i take a moment, but it won't.
i want just a shoulder to cry on, but heather always promises me that she'll make me 'feel better' by having sex.

it doesn't help, and most of the time i'm not even in the mood for it. i miss zya and i can't help but check my phone to see if she has texted me.

she hasn't.

i'm tempted to call her or even go to her house but i can't decide if that'd be bothering her or not.

it was as if i didn't see her anymore, in school, yes, but i felt as if she was avoiding me. she'd turn away and down her head whenever we made even a split second of eye contact.

this is stupid; i want her and i'm hoping she still wants me too.
-
heather lays her head on my lap, as i wrap my arms around her. she smiles up at me, kissing my cheek before saying "happy birthday, baby" for the millionth time.

"thank you" i chuckle, and she smiles even wider.

god, she's beautiful but i can't help but imagine zya in my lap.
if she were here i'd run my hands up and down the curves of her stomach, as she puts her head in my neck.

id kiss her forehead, and her nose and then her pretty pretty two-toned lips. id tell her just how much i love her and just how much i'm sorry for hurting her.

id hug her so tight, she'd burst and i wouldn't let go.
i wonder if she is thinking of me right now, or if she's simply just enjoying her night with herself.

it's 10:56 and the time is ticking, it's simple, but i'm waiting for her text, waiting for her call or something i don't know.

i wanna kiss her, i wanna touch her. i miss her scent on my things, and i miss hearing her heart thump rapidly as i pulled her by her waist.

i pull out my phone and say fuck it, i'll text her myself.

z:)

hey

who's this?

billie?

oh
yo

  i saw u at school today
y u avoiding me

i'm not

today's my birthday yk?
u didn't say anything

sorry, overslept
whoops

ouch

bye billie

come to my party
on saturday

mm
so i can watch you kiss girls?
no thanks

pls
just think about it
read 10:59pm

my heart aches knowing that zya will no longer feel the same way about me as she did before. i'm sure she won't think of me as anything unique anymore.

i'm afraid she's attempting to reduce me to a minor player in her life, but i'm not going to let her. i need to be a part of zya's life, a key figure because i deserve it, right?

heather raises her eyes to me once more, saying, "you're so pretty billie" as she rises to sit on my lap.

"thank you," i said as she kissed my cheek; "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" she added.

"you know, before i moved here, shit was so horrible" she sighs, "but you just make everything better billie," she says, interlocking her fingers with mine, "i love you."

my heart sinks at the mere mention of the three-letter word, "what" which i say, and she grins, repeating, i love you"

"i love you too" i reply because i cannot bear breaking another person's heart.

kissing my lips and placing her arms around my neck heather giggles.
i return the kiss, feeling dirty as if this isn't the person im supposed to be kissing.

i need zyas lips, not these; the flavor of her lipgloss and the rhythm of her lips have grown old to me.

i wish zya had lingered in that bathroom longer, and i wish we had stayed a little longer. she left me alone in my despair, and it hurts so much.

the worst agony i'd ever felt was seeing her walk away; it stung my heart and made me sick.

as i stood there i am watching her fade away and turn to dust. the walls collapse in on her and i am left standing.

what does this even signify?

that she will always leave no matter what? or that i am the villain?

but is possible that it was all for the best?

because had she stayed in that stupid bathroom, the more my heart would be crushed by the thoughts of her love fading away.

1107 words