ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

is it better to speak or to die?

didn't proof read lol
can you guys tell i'm in love with the word "perhaps?"

may 20,2020

my fingers do not interlock with billies as she stares up at the murky sky; hardly able to see the stars.

i wonder what's going on in her head, she has been so hesitant to touch me lately; as if she's afraid i'll crumble right through her fingers.

"hold my hand" i reluctantly whisper causing her eyes to close shut and her hands to grip the ground as if she wishes to sink into the dirt.

she deeply sighs, and i sit up looking down at the pretty girl beside me.

"billie," i say in question as she has yet to open her eyes. i cannot process what's happening, she seems off; like she's not even here.

"baby?" she replies lowly; responding to the calling of her name. i grab hold of her hand again though this time she pulls away not so subtly.

"billie," i say again as she opens her eyes and lands them into mine. "what's the matter with you," i ask in which she hums slurring her words into one "very tired baby."

laying my back against the itchy grass. my throat itches to say something else, anything, but i won't knowing that billie has no intention of listening to me.

is it better to speak or to die?

perhaps it's both, because speaking may be a kind of death in and of itself.

the sound of the trees blowing together mixed with the beating of our hearts almost makes me want to vomit; the sound reminds me i am alive.

i don't feel real at this moment or any moment for that matter and this feeling of growing up is only making it worse.

i'll be graduating in a few weeks and then i'll be off to college, which is something i'm completely dreading.

i wish i could spend the rest of my life on the beach, collecting stuff and being a cat lady or some shit, but unfortunately, life does not work that way.

i don't know what will happen between billie and i, because i don't even know if billie wants to go to college or even build a life with me when all that is over.

she's too indecisive like i've said before; making it even harder to have hope for this relationship.

i don't want to think that way, i want to believe that what we have is strong enough to make it but it's so hard to have hope after what we've been through.

if i'm being honest billie and i aren't very strong when it comes to the rekindling aspect. i mean we always blow up in each other faces and then go weeks not talking to each other.

i can't imagine what it'd be like long-distance; not being able to know what she's doing at all times and her not being able to touch me every second.

i trust her but in the deepest parts of my mind, there's a thought telling me not to.
-
billie tips her head back in a moan as she takes a sip from her icee.' i sit crisscrossed on the bench as she sits man spread, occasionally looking at me with a lazy smile.