ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

was there ever even an us?

definitely some typos in here, too tired to fix though. enjoy, i love you guys sm.

december 21,2019

billie

it was loud, making my ears ring and chest cave. i was being pushed and shoved through the jumble of sweaty people who are most likely high.

i was at some air bnb for my party, which i didn't quite understand but i shrugged it off.
i have been dragged around the entire time by heather, who knew way more people than me.

she introduced me as her girlfriend, i was apparently the person she'd do anything for. she smiles and she glows in the flashing l.e.d lights, this is probably the happiest i'd ever seen her.

i just couldn't figure out why i didn't feel the same. it's not fair i wasn't happy on my own birthday while everybody else was.

"i'm gonna get a drink," she says, before disappearing into the crowd.

i walk out front, i needed air. i need a hug, i need help.

i need zya.

i haven't seen her yet, and i'm not even sure she's here, but my body yearns for her touch. i love the way she comforts me, though i know she's trying to stop herself.
i love the way she still loves me— for me. she's the only person in the entire world who can look at me and know what's wrong, and maybe that's stupid to say but i knew that i could never be upset without zya knowing.

i knew that i could never be upset without her trying to help.

i can hear footsteps retreating but they stop and turn around, and soon enough a pair of black converse are standing beside my hand as i sit on the cold concrete.

i stand because i need to see her eyes, but she looks down so i can't.

"hey," i say, but all she does is stare at me, her tongue coming out to lick her lips. my heart is beating out of my chest but i cannot seem to understand why.

it's just zya, why am i so nervous?

"why so nervous, eilish" she questions, bringing her hand up to touch my chest.

i shake my head "i'm not" but zya only laughs, pulling her hand away. "i'm here," she says "why did you want me to come?"

zya takes a sip from her drink, sitting down on the concrete as i follow. 
"i wanted to just let you know that i'm sorry," i say, fumbling with my fingers "i miss you."

zya laughs "you miss your 'quick fuck'? what? is heather not doing something right?"

i furrow my eyebrows and bite the inside of my cheek "no it's not even like that" i say.
i run a hand through my hair "i miss you zya" i say as i look at her "not even all that fake shit— just you."

she hums with a shake of her head "i don't believe you."

im not sure why she said it, or why she wouldn't look me in the eyes, or why she wouldn't even allow our knees to touch while we sat.

but there was something odd about her tonight; she seemed more upfront as if she had finally convinced herself that she didn't like me.