ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

hoping for her

december 7, 2019

my phone vibrates against the cold wet concrete and i smile in hopes that it is billie but it is not.

trey trey

happy birthday pretty
wyd?

tanks
i'm waiting for
billie at this place

ew
u should rlly let me
pick u up

billie says she's on her way

yea right
shes lying.

shut up lmao
i'll talk to you later?

yea, tell me if u want me
to come get u

  kk
love you

love you more

as i text billie for the millionth time, i tremble at the cool breeze and sprinkling rain. i've been waiting here for i don't know how long, and i'm nearly convinced she won't show up.

i hear the double doors open, and someone from the building approaches me and pats me on the back. "waiting for someone" the buff man asks, i nod, "why don't you wait inside" he says "it's very cold out."

i nod again and follow him inside, sitting at the table he gives me. the wooden bench is cold but i don't mind it because it is much warmer than the concrete.

i flick through my phone; instagram isn't helping me pass the time.
i keep reading till i come across something that catches my eye, a post with the caption 'parties and girls.'

i chuckled to myself as i looked at the two pale girls' side profiles.

heather and billie.

i text her once again, typing quicker than i should as a couple of tears stream down my face.

billie.

2:30 pm

i just left my house
i cant wait to see you
delivered.

4:57 pm

are we still going out?
delivered.

7:27 pm

billie wtf
read 7:31 pm

8:45 pm

really billie?
i'm so done with you
delivered.

i turn off my phone after blocking billie and walk out of the restaurant doors, i text trey to come to grab me since i look to be so fucking stupid.

i'm so naive to believe she'd actually want to take me out. to believe she actually loves me; to believe that billie would change for me.
-
trey strokes my head as we watch a movie and eat far too sugary cake.
as my phone calls from an unknown caller, he giggles at something on the screen.

i decline, but they call again, so i pick up the phone.

"hello?"

"zya," the familiar voice says, "i overslept i'm sorry."

i hum "k" and she sighs "unblock me, love."

i laugh "i'm not your 'love' billie quit calling me that," billies voice sounds muffled and disoriented on the other end "happy birthday."

i look at the clock, the time read '1:30am' "it's not my birthday anymore" i say and she sighs "i'm sorry."

"k" and with that i hung up, putting my phone on do not disturb after doing so.

she's always apologizing for something she continues to do. she does not care, and i truly think she is only sorry because she gets caught.

she doesn't even really love me; because if she did we wouldn't be in this mess.

i ask myself if i'll ever be looked at with eyes full of love but the answer already lingers in the back of my head. i don't like to admit it but deep down i know that i'm nowhere even close to what billie wants.

why is it i cannot be desirable? why can't i be the girl of her dreams? why do i not meet her standards? why can't she see how hard i try?
im never good enough in anything i do.

i waste my time trying to decipher if i just hadn't been born this way things would be so much different, but i do not find an answer.
so i am left with a spiraling mind and tears that i wish she'd wipe away.

am i a joke?

is that all i am, quite frankly i cannot imagine myself being anything else than that. i cannot imagine her loving me and i cannot imagine anyone ever loving me.

i pick myself apart because i do not look like the girls she drools over and i hate myself for it. i hate myself for allowing billie to get in my head. i hate the way she knows she's allowed to boss me around and i hate the way i let her do it.

she sees me as nothing but a play, someone who she knows will be awake to talk to her. someone who she knows will do anything for her. why do would she take advantage of such a great thing?

why does she not see how much i really care?

and why am i still hoping for her to see?

797 words