ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

i wouldnt lie

december 24, 2019

billie flips her hair and chews gum with an unreadable face as i stood there watching.
"when the fuck did you do that," i ask, referring to the green dye in her hair, which i hadn't noticed. "sunday" she replied as the sun gleamed down on her face from my window.

she looks at me with a smirk on her face. "what" i inquired, wiping down my mirror in the process. "you look so pretty" she replied, approaching me from behind and resting her head on my shoulder while her hands touched my waist.

"you know it's hard to let you go if you keep on doing this." i groan, looking at her through my mirror.

"you're trying to let me go," she asks, her face dropping.

why wouldn't i be trying? it's a living hell being in love with billie. it's hard not being able to know if she's lying to me or not.
i hate that she's beautiful, i hate that she's supposedly 'in love' with me now. why didn't she love me when i asked? i felt as if she just wants me now because i don't want her.

"i mean" i shrugged shaking her off "yeah."

she nods as i sat on my bed, "i'm not trying to let you go" billie sits next to me.

"you should be" i lay on my back, billie following "heather loves you a lot you know."

because of heather, i mostly want billie to leave me alone. that's something i couldn't do to her. we aren't close, but i understand how much that hurts and how it changes how you see yourself, and i don't believe i could ever see heather in that perspective.
she's too precious and fragile; my heart would break knowing i ruined her.

"i know," billie says "but it's just like— something special about you that she doesn't have."

i furrow my eyebrows, billies never thought of me as special, at least that's what i thought. i think i had this narrative of billie to make me believe that she loves me but i think i was too in love to even think about how she feels about me.

"why can't i stop loving you" i groan "you've hurt me so much billie and you don't understand how much it's affected me."
billie turns on her side, as do i as she touches my cheek and runs her thumb over my lips.

i take her hand away, "stop" but she returns her hand, i sighed "we should've never kissed that night."
the night billie and i kissed, ever, was so surreal i don't think i ever smiled so hard my stomach had so many butterflies i think i felt it for the rest of the week.

but it ruined everything, i should've just kept my feelings to myself, and then we'd never be in this mess.

"you know when we kissed i didn't think it'd mean as much," she said, "it sounds bad but i think i was only kissing you because i was bored."

i laughed but my heart hurt, "it really didn't mean anything to you? i smiled so hard after that night billie" i said, laughing again, "it was stupid but i thought about your lips for like— ever, after that."

billie smiles "really?"

i nod, jaws clenched in a giggle as i rolled on my back.
i believe that if billie and i maintained our friendship, we would be able to work together. it's so lovely to be able to just converse without crying or yelling. it feels good to sit in peace with billie; as if i can feel her without her really touching me.

"zya," billie says and i hum turning my head, "do you regret ever having sex with me," she asks.

i've always viewed sex as something beautiful, the way two souls come together and touch so comfortably. i liked the thought of being able to trust someone that much; to let them see me as me.
and billie, i trust her, but i think— i don't know, i wanted to save my virginity a little longer though billie was so persistent about it. i mean i agreed eventually but a little of me doesn't know if i wanted to or if it was because billie wanted it.

i'd always work hard to try and please her in everything i did, so i cannot even remember if it was because i was ready or i just wanted her to feel comfortable.
most of the time, billie touched me, i never really got to touch her but when i did, she said it made her feel vulnerable and exposed so i just never did it.

but if i regret it, no i don't think so? i just think we should've waited.

"no," i reply "not really."

she hums "you sure" billie looks at me "you were always so protective over who touched you, so i was worried you know? and you just never said no, so i thought you felt as if you had to but it wasn't like that" billie says "you could've said no if you really wanted to, you know right zya?"

i nod "i know, but all we ever did was have sex, we didn't really make love," i say looking at her "there's a difference you know."

she nods, a small smile on her face "i think we should."
i laugh, "you have a girlfriend that'd be cheating, no?"

billie laughs in return "kidding, but if we would've worked out, don't you think we would've eventually?"
billies words are kind of hard to understand but i think i get what she is trying to say. it hurts hearing all of our 'what if's but i think we just have to accept that we weren't made for each other.

and yeah, of course, i would've 'made love' with billie, but we barely even got to the dating part in our relationship so i never really thought about it.
even if we didn't get it that far, i can still feel her presence.

it's difficult not to feel her because she's left her fingerprints all over me. she's touched me in ways i wouldn't want anyone to see, she's seen me at my weakest, she's seen me in a state i wouldn't want anyone to see, so i can't just forget about her.

however, i believe there is a small part of me that enjoys it; that i will never forget her. even if we go our separate ways, i'd like to remember billies good attributes.

billie grabs my hand from my stomach and interlocks our fingers as i don't answer her question, she smiles at me her eyes drifting to our hands.

"i do love you, angel, so much," billie says, "even if it doesn't feel like it, i really do love you. it's hard to express it but i can't help but say it. you're perfect."

i turn my head to look at her "you mean it?"

billie nods, "i wouldn't lie."

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