ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

want me everyday

october 12, 2019

my mom smiles as she continued to talk about things i had no care for. i still listen though, she doesn't really have anybody anymore.

it was saturday, we were painting, and enjoying each other's company. it's a usual routine, but i don't get bored of it i actually enjoyed it most of the time.

"how are you and billie," she says, she asks this every time we painted. i looked up from my horribly drawn landscape.

i sigh, "we're good, i don't know." she puts her curly hair into a big puff "it's the same" she questions.

i shrugged my shoulders "she's ignoring me again."

billie and i had this stupid argument, i mentioned the nickname she called heather and she went into huge detail about how "it's just a nickname" and i'm "doing too much."

"again" she sighed "you should just break it off peach."

my heart wouldn't even let that happen, i care too much. "or maybe just stop holding onto something that's not there" my mother speaks, "okay ouch" i chuckle.

she laughs in return "i'm just saying, you should you know" my mom sighs "do what's right for you."

she's right, i could do that but the problem was i still loved billie, more than anything in this world.

if she wanted me to change, i wouldn't hesitate, if she wanted something i would not even think twice before doing so.

so i can't just "do what's right for me" because billie still needs something, someone to hang onto when she's upset so i have to be there.

"i love her though" i reply "maybe she'll love me back soon enough" i mumble, but she doesn't catch it.

it's stupid waiting a million and ten years for something that simply will just never happen but here i am, clinging onto her and waiting.

"peach" she sighs, "you shouldn't tolerate something that is clearly hurting you."

"it's not hurting me" i quickly say, deep deep deeeeeeep down a part of me knows damn well it is.
but maybe if i keep lying to myself it'll eventually come true. all i want is for her to love me the way i love her.

it's come to the point where i will purposely do things to make her notice, she doesn't but it's still worth a try.

"she does this all the time, and every time you give her another chance" my mom starts "why?"

i don't know why i gave billie so much of me, but a little thought says she'll change.

"mom she's doing her best, she's not perfect," i say "she's doing all she can."

my mother scoffs with a laugh "if that's all she can do i give it a 0."

"dude, can you just shut up about it? she's trying okay, leave her alone! why would you even say something like that? you don't know what she's gone through, you don't know how hard it is for her so just— shut up!"

my mom looked startled before shaking her head.

"im sorry i didn't mean to yell," i say quickly, she doesn't respond.

i hurt her feelings.

who does something like that?

who hurts their own mom's feelings?

"i'm sorry" i can feel the tears brimming.

"look at how much she's manipulating you. you think that just because she's going through things she can take it out on you?"

i only shrugged and went up to room.

i felt like always manage to fuck something up with someone, i always start arguments with everyone because i'm so fucking stupid.

i'm so overly dramatic.

i'm so sensitive.

i just wanted to be real with myself, real with everyone, that i'm not who everyone thinks i am.
how i always put on this mask that i'm someone so nice and funny and just overall great.

they've never seen this side of me, so overly sensitive about fucking everything. i hate how i cry over the smallest shit, i hate how i let people get in my head.

i hate how i seek validation in everything, i especially hated how i needed something to hold on to all the damn time.

i'm such a baby.

i cry too much.

i think i was trying too hard to be someone i'm not, especially with billie. i tried my hardest to make sure i didn't show too much vulnerability or make sure i didn't look too stuck up.

so it was always unbalanced when trying.

it's like i'm standing in the middle of a tiny thread, there are positives and negatives on each side. right now, the negatives are piling up, making me lean and lose my balance.

i try and give billie the benefit of the doubt but it's hard when's she's just so mean sometimes.

it doesn't hurt to be nice, i mean i just want to feel loved. and i don't get me wrong i do but i want it to be from billie.

i wanted to be able to kiss her when i wanted, i wanted her to kiss me, i wanted to hold hands in a romantic way, i wanted to look at her and be certain she's in love with me too.

i just wanted all of her.

and i don't mean i want sex, i just wanted her embrace. her arms around me, her comfort when i cry, just all the lovey-dovey corny shit.

all of me hopes she feels the same way.

she makes it seem like it at times but then turns around and pushes me away.

and every single time she did, i forgave her.
all because i found myself yearning for the substance laced in between her lips when she talks to me.

and the jolts of electricity running throughout my body because she's just touched my thigh or her lips grazing against my skin.

because billie knows that i'll forgive her, she does it over and over.
she's gotten comfortable; comfortable with hurting me. she knows how to pull me in, leaning in close to my face to apologize, or leaving a peck on my cheek when i'm telling her how mad she made me.

it makes me forget everything i was talking about before; everything i was upset about, just because i like her so fucking much.

fuck, it's so hard loving someone who doesn't love you. when all you can think about is which day they want you and which day they don't.

why can't billie just want me everyday?

1090 words