ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

emptiness has won

did not proof read srry loves, im sooo tired

december 10,2019

zipping up my jacket as i sat on the cold metal bleachers alone, the wind howls, blowing the crunchy leaves below me.

i was on the football field behind the school, considering that i had lunch this period. i wasn't in the mood for eating or school in general, but i didn't have a choice.

i rubbed my hands through my hair as tears streamed down my cheeks. my head was throbbing, and i couldn't take my thoughts away from billie.

i don't miss her, yet it was as if my heart hadn't accepted that she was gone?
i'm perfectly aware that billie and i aren't meant to be together. we were never supposed to kiss and touch as if we were lovers. we were never meant to meet, and i was never meant to fall in love.

the stars did not align for us, though out of pure ignorance i believed i could reach up into the sky and align them myself.
though i think i only made it worse.

i hear a leaf crunch and i turn around, unable to see due to the gloomy sky and murky air.
the mystery person eventually sits, and i recognize their fruity scent and tight pants.

"hey," she says, i stare blankly as i scan her face. why was she talking to me? we're not friends, and i was convinced she hated me.

"hi?"

she's playing with her sweater sleeve and hair as she avoids my eye contact, heather finally glances at me and says, "i heard about you and billie."

of course, she had heard. it was all the talk, as billie went around saying i used her; that she was hurt someone of her childhood would take advantage of her like that.
i've scoffed in all the faces who ask because i don't really owe an explanation.

and even if i truly cared, she did not need to know that, so i shrugged and said, "i don't really care"
she hums as she continues, "but you're crying" and i shrug with a laugh, "if you're here to rub it in my face, just get it over with."

"no, it's not like that i was just seeing if you were okay" she insisted, her voice trembling with nervousness.

i hum, though a part of me can't help but feel bad for the girl. billie truly is cruel when it came to love, it was almost like she didn't know-how. as if it were a defense mechanism to steal someone's innocence and kind heart.

did she like to hold their heart in her hands and crush it? or did she just do it because she was scared they'd do it first? truly i didn't care, all i knew was it would end up hurting each of us.

heathers sweet looking, she honestly looks like she's full of love; life.
and i'm almost sad billies gonna drain it from her so quickly.

i look at her, but her eyes avoid me, "why don't you look at me" i say and she shrugs "you're intimidating."

i shake my head, "no i'm not" heather faintly smiles as she lifts her head. i couldn't quite tell what she was thinking, it was harder to read her expression than others.

"zya," she says, her voice evidently shaking as she fumbles with her phone in her lap, i hum looking off in front of me.

"do you think billie will hurt me? i don't want to end up like— you" she says.

i laugh humorlessly "end up like me?"

though i knew what she meant, it stung my heart to hear. "i didn't mean for it to sound rude," she quickly says "i just don't want billie to leave me."

i look at her, unable to process what she's saying. she faintly smiles, possibly trying to make this conversation a little less awkward.

"she likes you heather, trust me," i say, she tucks her blonde hair behind her ear and i seemingly notice the faint moles placed delicately on her cheeks.

"she said that to you too," she says, and for a second it is quiet as if we both knew we were victims of billies emotional abuse "i just want her to like me" heather finally says.

i open my mouth but no words begin to fall from my lips. it was like she had flipped a switch, making me realize she is just another girl.

she is a hopeless romantic like me, dreaming and searching for someone to love her the way she wants to be loved. she, like me, is alone and needs validation, so she chooses billie in the hopes of finding it.

she's not someone billie appears to love and desire. (not that billie doesn't care about her) but heather is visibly vulnerable, which billie seems to enjoy.

"whatever you're trying to ask me, you already know" was all i said as heather scanned my face distinctly. "huh," she asks, "what do you mean? i'm sorry, i just want to be careful."

"exactly," i say as i turn my body to face heather. "you shouldn't have to wonder whether or not she'll hurt you."

"you asking me is your answer," i sigh before grabbing my belongings and standing up.

i leave, unable to process what just happened. i'm upset that i cannot give heather the answer she is seeking because i truly do not know what goes on in billies head.

she seems genuine, and deep down i am hoping billie doesn't hurt her.
-
my body was shivering, telling me to go inside but i refused to despite the cold rain sprinkling onto my skin.

i am crying yet again, but i cannot seem to stop. my body is empty and i want to close my eyes and never open them back up.

it feels as if every single emotion is inside of me in a whirl,  and i can't get out. it's as if i've completely surrendered to emptiness and let it wrap and flow around me.

it looks to be the only thing i have, although it does not appear to be genuine.

is this is all i have?

maybe, but i don't want to say it. i would like to be happier.

before this i cannot remember how life was like, it has been so long. though i was happier? i suppose all i know is i cannot forget the feeling of what life was like before my never-ending sorrow.

as far as i can tell, it's a nostalgic emotion, yet i'm not sure what i'm longing for.

i'm losing myself and it is almost impossible for me to even smile without sarcasm laced in between.

my body is slowly forgetting how to be a functioning human. how to be happy, how to be—  me?

have i have already died? not the end of my life, no, but the end of pure love.

i'm dead, my body is drained and the emptiness has won.

1152 words