ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

destruction of love

the way i cant even bring myself to proof read anymore bc i always write at night and i literally am so tired. enjoy anyway my loves.

december 25, 2019

billie

the rain tapped against my window peacefully as i sat in the darkness of my room. still fairly lit, as a tiny lamp sits in the corner,

it's christmas but i haven't really been doing anything, my head is too much of a cloud to even process heather laying next to me.

as her leg drapes around my waist and her hand plays in my hair she giggles, pecking my lips.
"i love you" heather drags out, a huge smile spreading across her face.

i hum, and tiredly reply 'love you too;' the weight in my chest seemingly becoming heaver. i can't bear to break up with the girl in front of me, i wouldn't want to see her face sink, as i tell her we're done and i can't even begin to think about what i'll even say.

i didn't wanna break yet another heart, it would make me feel even shittier than i do now.
staying and knowing i don't have feelings hurts more but i can't do that to heather, i couldn't watch her break like that.

i pick up my phone in search of a text back but i have no notifications. zya seems to never text or call me first anymore, and if i text her she'll respond hours later.

which i get; i'm probably the last person she'll wanna talk to but it stings you know?

heather gets up, her hair tickling my face "i gotta go" she says kissing my lips.
before i could even respond, she was out my room door, leaving me alone. 

i sigh, getting up as well as i throw on my slides and hoodie, i walk out the door and outside.
as i put my hood over my head the rain hits my hands and chills my skin.

i stuff my hands into my pocket, beginning to enjoy the sound of the rain clashing against the concrete.

i think i would like to be rain; i think i'd just lay in the grass and let the rain hit my skin.

because i'd want to eventually sink into the soil and become roots. roots; that would eventually become a flower of some sort, maybe even a tree.
realistically, i just want a new beginning, i want to be beautiful, so beautiful that i become the soil, that i become the ground, the rain, the sky, everything.

i want to know i'm a good person by waking up and believing that life is just life, and all i have to do is live it.
because i'll finally know i'm beautiful, i'll finally know that i am me and nothing can change that.

because being me is all i have to do to be beautiful, and i think that's all i need.
-

zya

"too much pressure" is what i think of when i see billie approaching my front step, soaking wet from the pouring rain.
she stops at the bottom of the steps, staring back at me from the chair i was sitting in, i turn my head to the side as she waves.

"just come up here," i think, but i'm too afraid to say it. i don't think i want her up here, i just didn't want her to get sick from the freezing rain.

she takes a step as if she is about to walk away, but she turns around and changes her mind; beginning to walk up to my steps.