ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

why wont she stay?

is not proof reading like my thing now????

december 31, 2019

i watch billie from across the room; the awkward smile on her face seemingly dropping by the second.
she looks as if she didn't even wanna be here and she seems to be trying to subtly pull her arm away from heather; which wasn't working.

i was at some new years party with trey and i somehow have just only noticed billie.
i haven't seen her genuinely smile not once, and realistically i haven't seen her genuinely smile in weeks.

we make eye contact and her face softens up. she almost looks as if she is trying to talk to me with her eyes.
i turn my head in question making her look at heather and return her eyes to me.

i nod, telling trey i will be back.
i walked through the crowd of people and to billies spot, awkwardly getting into the group of people.

"oh hi, zya," heather says, "everyone this is zya."

i waved as i grabbed billie "i have to talk to billie" and before they could protest i am pulling her through the crowd and outside.

i sit down on the grass, patting next to me for billie to sit. she sits, immediately laying her head on my shoulder.
"hi bil" i chuckle, letting my hand tangled in her hair. she sighs deeply; billie reaches for my hand and interlocks our fingers.
i sigh as well tightening my grip on her hand "what's wrong?"

"just stressed," she says, and i nod "about what?"

"just school don't worry about it, my mom said she'll homeschool me for the rest of the year and shit so it's fine."

i nod though i don't believe her "is there something else?"

it's silent for a brief moment before she says "i keep worrying that one day i'll wake up and i won't have you."

her words seem to stroke my heart, i don't know what she means. my mouth opens slightly and i am at loss for words because i simply cannot process what she is trying to say.

not have me? is she saying that i will not love her?

"what do you mean" i finally asked, looking down at her. she locks her eyes with mine before looking back at her shoes.
"you're the only person in the world who loves me zya, and i can't even begin to find an answer why" billie whispers, "i keep thinking that you eventually won't, and then i won't have you anymore."

billie seems to grow quieter by the second like she is afraid of her own words, and as her voice grows quieter her grip on my hand tightens.

"billie you're my best friend, even before all of this bullshit— i could never stop loving you" i assure her.
i actually don't think i could, even when i was trying to convince myself i hated her, my heart still went soft at the thought of her touching
me.
i still got butterflies looking at her smile; which i wish to see again, her dimples evident.

"can we leave," billie says, i look around for trey but decide i will just text him. i nod before getting up with billie and beginning to walk the sidewalks with her.

it's dark, and quiet all that can be heard is the sound of the wind and our feet hitting the concrete.

i cant seem to understand how we've gotten to this point. i mean i would've never imagined billie and i being so much of a wreck.
we have been broken so long i think we just have grown to ignore the broken pieces.