ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

sugar coating?

october 16, 2019

i think i was so obsessed with wanting to be what billie likes that i've tricked myself into actually believing this is what i want.

but in all reality, i know that this isn't me and i would never wear anything like this anywhere, let alone school.

but here i am, in the crop top and jeans, she bought me just days before, despite the cold weather. i was sitting down, and i could already feel myself becoming self-aware.
and i couldn't help but stare at all the girls in their skinny jeans, their legs barely even touching.

my legs don't do that. they touch and rub against each other as i walk and if i walk too fast it'll burn.

i just hope billie thinks i look pretty today.

heather walks in class, a tight tank top covering only half of her flat stomach paired with a black skirt and gorgeous accessories.

wow, she was beautiful. i think my jealousy got the best of me sometimes, especially when it came to befriending people.

i don't mean to but i'm so insecure that i unconsciously compare myself to them.

i mean i don't even know heather, she could be sweet but here i am judging and criticizing her every move all because i wanted to be her.

i sigh in my seat and put my head down, i regret this so much.

soon hearing the satisfying sound of clanking metal, i cover myself up even more, afraid if she looks at me she'll become disgusted with what she saw.

i can see her shoes in front of my desk, as she touches my hair to get my attention.

looking up, she smiles "you wore it," she says, i smile as i think she's about to compliment me "you look" she's rudely cut off.

"hey, bil" the blonde speaks as she looks at only billie,  not even acknowledging that i'm here.

"hi love," billie says, heather blushes as she looks down at me "who's this?" billie licks her lips before 'introducing me,' "this is just my friend, zya."

just her friend.

right.

heather smiles "hi zya," she holds out her hand. i shake it softly, afraid id manage to mess up something "hey."

she only chuckles putting her attention back onto beautiful billie, "come sit with me."

billie smiles, her eyes practically glowing in the crappy school light, her hands subconsciously touching heathers arms while she smiles.

i can see how her eyes mainly look at the blonde's glossy lips while she spoke.

"sure," billie says as they walk to the front of the room and take a seat.

her smile never leaves her face but instead grows bigger. i would kill to just for a second have billie look at me like that.
-
my fingers anxiously fumbled against each other, for some reason, i couldn't control it so i just let them play at each other.

billie was talking to me but i was zoning her out trying to subtly look at her perfect body.

she was getting ready, to go somewhere and i had to help pick what she should wear.

and if she knew i liked her, she'd know why my fingers wouldn't stop moving or why i kept taking glances at her why she was changing her shirt to something else.

"zya," she says snapping in front of my face, "are you even listening?"

i look up at her trying my best not to look at her lips while she licks them "sorry, no, i just got distracted."

she laughs, "whatever, but like i was saying, which shirt?"

she held up two different designed shirts but i could care less which one she put on, in some way she'd still look good.

"that one" i point to the white one and she chuckles but puts it on.

"so how do i look" billie smiles, spinning in front of me.

gorgeous.

fine.

hypnotizing.

engrossing.

what do i say?

"you look" billie smiles in front of me with a shake of her head as i look her up and down "you look fine."

"fine like i look okay or fine like i look sexy," billie says, i shake my head with a laugh.

"both?"
-
i've learned that the outfit i was picking was for a date.

a date.

with heather.

i wanted to be the one that she took on dates. i wanted to hold billies hand, for her to talk to me like i'm the most precious thing, to just look at me the way i wanted.

for her to hug me, kiss me, i want her to lay on my chest while i play in her hair. to go see a movie, maybe out to eat.

i wanna look at her, into her perfect eyes, and know that she's just as in love with me as i am her.

but i am me.

not once has someone felt nervous around me, not once has someone even had a crush on me.

why?

am i not lovable?

and i felt like i loved billie way too much, just to know that she doesn't love me back.

maybe that's my biggest flaw, being so unlovable. i feel too much, and i've spent half of my life wondering why love has failed me so many times, wondering if it was just my fault for not being born someone else.

i want so bad for her, billie, to be my answer. i want her to be the reason i would stop wondering.

shes my everything, my heart in human form, just everything about her i'm so madly in love with.

but to her, i fear i am just another friend.

i'm so stuck and i'm so scared of my feelings for her, i'm scared the will grow so big that i can't keep it in anymore.

i think i could feel her starting to leave though, it's happening slowly but it's doesn't matter because it's still happening.

and eventually, it'll get faster and faster until shes gone.
and when she is gone, i know it'll hurt so bad i'll feel it in my chest.

because i'm addicted; addicted to her scent her laugh the way her face practically shines in sunlight everything about her.

is it all a lie?

im scared that im making this all up simply because im blinded by the strong love.

if it is fake, could i even let this made-up version of her go? could i even accept the real her, viewed from another perspective?

a perspective without the sugar coating?

1100 words