ᴛᴇᴀʀ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

lost

may 8, 2021

i hate living here so much that stress isn't enough to describe this sad school year. to be honest, it isn't all horrible, but i don't believe i have ever felt worse.

as i sit against the wall of my dorm; too lazy to get up from haven fallen, i run a hand through my now red hair.

it was a stupid up at 3am thing.

my life isn't what i expected it to be, and i'm relieved that the school year is coming to an end.
i haven't returned to la since i left because i don't want to go. i know my mother misses me, but i've completely ghosted everyone, even trey, who i believe is mad at me right now.

and billie— who knows what she's doing. she hasn't contacted me, and i haven't contacted her, but she hasn't been far from my mind.

i wonder if she's thought of me too.

i need a billie, not as a girlfriend, but as a best friend. i don't have anyone here, which i hate. i miss her sweet laugh and pretty smile, as well as those beautiful blue eyes; just thinking about her makes me cry.

i'm laying on the floor, whining about my life, and it's ridiculous. it seems to be rather depressing, but i don't want to get up if it means having to carry myself through the day.

because no one seems to notice that i'm here, so if you think about i'm really just helping them by getting out of their way.
my fucking professor is my only friend here, but she's old and sweet, so i don't mind.

i always find a way to waste my time, waste my life, but at this point who really gives a fuck.

i always find myself wanting to crawl out of my own skin; setting fire to it and watching it burn, though that just makes everything worse.

my skin has endured so much that i wonder how it hasn't shriveled up and begun to peel, how hasn't my body turned on me? i hurt it so much; speak so many words of hurt that i can't count.

"i hate you" is all that leaves my quivering lips, and i never truly feel sorry because i'm not about to pity myself. i don't deserve pity or the blissful privilege of being comforted for the sadness i feel, because i can't feel sorry for me when i did this. i can't feel sorry for me when i am the person who brings me most hurt.

billie

my gaze is drawn to the smoke billowing from the mouth of the girl in front of me. it floats above our heads and does not come to a halt until it reaches the ceiling.

i've been watching her do this for a long time, not realizing i've been watching. i'm not sure how long i've been watching this cycle repeat; all i know is that when she nudges my shoulder, i'm drawn back into reality.

"you good," she says, drawing another hit from her cigarette. very pretty girl actually, pale skin, with ginger hair and beautiful green eyes.

"i'm okay," i say, watching as she puts her cigarette out on her nightstand. cameron only hums, nodding her head behind me "hand me those" she refers to her chips as she turns on the tv.

i don't really talk to her but she is my roommate so i don't have a choice but to suffer through this awkwardness.

turning over in my bed once i've handed her chips, i open my phone scrolling through instagram with a sigh. zyas account hasn't been updated since august, and it's just her on the plane with the caption "already missing u."

i miss her, i wonder if she misses me sometimes.

i want to see her again; it doesn't matter if we don't speak again; all i want is to feel her.
i want to touch her skin and hold her because i need her so much.

her voice is something i've been dying to hear ever since i left her house and it's fucking eating me alive.

the feeling of missing her takes over my body and swallows me up, i get stuck and i can't move as if i've just been cocooned.

i don't care if i'm not her person anymore because she's still mine, and it'll always be that way until i can find the courage to let go and forget what we had and what we could've had.

but, until then, i'll continue to languish in this unnameable feeling, on standby just in case she decides she needs me.

zya

i find myself declining billies phone call, knowing i'll ultimately regret it. my phone rings once more, pausing my music yet i decline it again, staring at the trees as they knock against each other.

...

i need to hear ur voice

looking at my phone, i read billies message unsure of how to respond. perhaps she does miss me, but i know that if i answer my phone, i'll never be able to hang up.

...

i need to hear ur voice

cant talk rn
im busy

too busy to talk to me?

billie
don't do that

ok zya
i miss u nd it hurts
read 8:30pm

i don't respond, turning off my phone with a sigh. i feel bad, i feel so fucking bad but billie and i always go through this.

maybe this would work if i could open my mouth and talk like a real person, but it's hard, especially when i'm in front of billie.

every single fucking day, i miss when we could communicate. we'd talk for hours on end and just sit in each other's company.
when all billie used to do was stare at me, and that simple little thing made me blush.

billie and i ended much too soon, and perhaps we even began way too early, but i genuinely don't believe we were meant to end this way.

we don't work, but is it meant to hurt this much if we weren't supposed to be working?

when i'm away from her, i lose myself, i lose my fucking mind over her, and it all hurts too bad.

i hope for a new beginning, i hope for maturity and value, but my hope is running out as i slowly feel billie slip away; leaving me lost.

1077 words