Namjoon Likes Black Girls • Namjoon Centric •

53

Hi Zaina. It's Namjoonie again. I'm sorry, that was corny. I don't know how to make this situation better because I'm sure you're angry with me. I don't want you to feel any worse, but at the same time, I feel like there's nothing I can really do to avoid that.

The first thing that I want to say is that

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I should have never kept that from you, and you should have known from the beginning. It's just... I was a coward. I was scared. I know how much you hate lying and at that point I'd answered all of your questions about my personal life and career with false answers. You don't deserve that.

When I realized how badly I was treating you, you starting going through all of this traumatic stuff. I didn't want to put the fact that I've hid half of myself from you, on your shoulders too.

And what's worse about it is you were attacked by stalker fans. You were attacked because of me... I'll never forgive myself for not telling you that and instead just bringing you into my house and just pretending that that makes everything okay. You should have gone home where you'd be safe from everything that's happened here.

And I feel so selfish. I'm writing this in my recording studio, on a piece of paper from the same notebook that I write lyrics in. And I'm an hour from seeing your face again. I'm selfish to sit here and say that my heart hurts because I lied to you so genuinely. When you're the one who's gone through so much already, you didn't deserve to be lied to as well.

And I 1000% understand if you never trusted another thing that I ever say. Even if you're reading this and not believing a single word that's written. Everything you feel is justified.

The guys would talk to me about this in the beginning. We all agreed that we wouldn't tell you because of how dangerous for our personal lives to be exposed like that.

But from the first time I saw you. When I actually saw your face for the first time. Going to the hotel, waiting for the elevator to come down and looking over to see you inconvenienced because you had my suitcase and couldn't pay for a room without your wallet, which happened to be in my hand coincidentally.

I... I never felt my heart beat so fast than the first time you smiled at me. And the guys noticed that I was a little flustered around you, I still believe that they purposely bothered you just so that I could shoo them away and get another chance to talk to you again.

Ya know. One of my favorite memories with you is when you invited me over for lunch at your room. And I got to see your face up close, and hear your voice and laugh... I could watch you smile for the rest of my life if I had the chance.

But I told you about my job. I told you that I was a rapper, and it was like you didn't care. I told you that when I meet people I'd rather they know me before they know of my music, and you were okay with that. When I told you that my music was popular, you didn't ask to hear it. It's like you knew that it was something that I didn't want to bring up. And I don't mean that in a mean way. It's just that... I'm rambling again.

The guys talked to me about after you leave. Tae and Jimin actually thought that you might not be upset after finding out that I lied to you. But I know you better than that. I know that you don't tolerate lying. I still remember how you threatened to beat me up if I lied to you.

And it was selfish to not tell you this, especially when it affected you directly. There's no excuse for doing this and I take full responsibility. Because even though the guys encouraged me not to tell you, i should have deviated and told you anyway. They don't know you like I do. To them you were just a new friend that's fun to hang out with. But to me...

You're my person, ya know? You're so special and important to me.

And for some reason, my thought process agreed not to tell you because if you found out about my lies, you'd leave me and would cut contact. Even though keeping this from you continuously would guarantee that regardless.

I'm sorry Zaina. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't expect to ever see you again after you leave in a few days. But I don't want me and the guys to be pictured in your memory as the kpop idols that lied about their identities for two weeks. I want you to look back on that time you visited South Korea and made friends with Jin, Jimin, Hoseok, Taehyung, Yoongi, Jungkook, and Namjoon. And that they'll be waiting for you if you ever want to visit again.

I'll be ending the note here then. It's best that I do before I start rambling again.

I'll end it by saying that your smile, your voice, and you will be forever be burned into my memory and at the top of my list of my most favorite things to ever exist.

I hope I can experience those things again.

-Kim Namjoon, 25
Leader and main rapper of BTS"

I put the paper down as not to drip any more of my tears onto it. As much as I want to just forgive, forget, and get back to how things were... I just can't. I can't put that same trust in him or any of them as I once did... I've been hurt enough from just rebuilding trust for people who didn't deserve it.

It hurts more coming from Namjoon because... he was the first man to give me butterflies. The first time I ever never wanted to leave. So now that he told me... that everything was a lie. It just hurts. I... god, how did I even get to the point where a man made me feel this way?

The men that gave me these issues in the first place, they taught me to never trust anyone with a pretty smile. I knew I should have trusted my instincts when he first smiled at me.

If I just shut my big mouth instead of asking to see him again, this never would have happened. I never would have gone out in public with a fucking worldwide superstar. I never would have let myself get so attached to someone, when it never wouldn't have worked out anyway.

For fucks sake, Zaina. You couldn't just let him leave when he was bout to? You just had to tell him that you wanted to see him again. He probably saw me as desperate to get with a celebrity did it out of pity. Would explain why he didn't tell me about his whole identity, wouldn't be surprised if I was just a side piece and he already was in a long term relationship. I was stupid. Fucking dumb.

If it's too good to be true, then it probably isn't.