SPACES [Editing]

The Absence

Song of the chapter:

- Your Type by Carly Rae Jepsen
- I Need You by M83

Louis Tomlinson

Three nights. It's been three nights and he still hasn't come home.

I tried to find logical reasons for it. He's probably staying over at one of his friends' houses because he just doesn't want to feel the Christmas spirit at home. He probably is busy working at the bar. He's probably looking for a beard somewhere. He's probably at the hotel, trying to escape from everything.

I stared out the window while the kids were carefully coloring in the lines and failing to successfully do so. You can't blame them though, they're kids. No matter how careful they are, they will always mess up.

But me-- I'm twenty four years old and I'm worse than they are. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong, I keep messing up.

He left probably because he doesn't want to see me. He probably hates the shit out of me.

I don't even know why I'm feeling this way.

Here's the thing: during his absence I thought about how I felt. If I was straight, I wouldn't be feeling this way and it will just be sheer worry. But it wasn't. It's something else.

I'm probably gay, I'm not a hundred percent sure yet. I don't know how it's supposed to hit you that you are, but I figured that it's one of those things that you just know.

Even though I was drunk that night, there was no way I would've picked to marry him over anyone else. I didn't know it back then, but it was there, just waiting to be discovered.

I've always felt this attraction towards him, like I couldn't help but be drawn to him all the time. I wouldn't think about him all the time of it was just friendship that I wanted.

Most of the time people have a hard time accepting that they're not straight because of what society thinks, but maybe it's easier for me because I've seen how Zayn and Liam were. I didn't care that much about what people thought of me, really, not until I've gotten into a relationship with Hannah.

After that, I've only lived to please other people and that wasn't how it's supposed to be.

Now I'm letting myself go.

I like Harry. There. I said it. But I can't tell him that because he probably doesn't like me back and he doesn't even know that I'm gay.

The thing is, I can't even get myself to text him and ask where he was. I'm scared of what his answer might be. He might think I'm too clingy or he might ask me questions I'm not ready to answer. All I can do is stare out the window and hope to find him there, begging to come in again.

After the children were picked up by their parents, I stayed a little longer, just in case he decides to show up and beg for him to drive me home again, or to take me to galleries and cupcake shops.

BUZZZZ. As if on cue, my phone went off. It was Harry. My heart was beating fast and I've only realized how badly I wanted to hear his voice when I saw his name flash on the screen.

"Hello?"

"Hi, um, I won't be coming home in a couple more days. I have to work on a few things." He said, speaking slowly like he always does. I didn't even mind, all I wanted was to hear his voice.