SPACES [Editing]

Delusional

Hannah Walker

"Please answer me." His eyes desperate for an answer.

"Yes." I finally confessed. "Yes, we broke up."

I couldn't describe his face right after I said that. He buried his hands in his face and I just let him do that. I wanted him to scream at me again just like he did when he first found out that I cheated. I wanted him to feel that way, even though it's going to hurt him so much, if that means he will start to remember what really happened.

"I'm sorry." I told him sincerely. I know he doesn't know what really went on and that I have to explain it to him again. He's going to hate me for it, I just know.

"But we're together now, aren't we?" He asked and I just stared at him, hoping he would take it as a no. There was still hope in his eyes and it breaks me inside. 

"Or if we aren't, we can start over, can't we?" He said, taking my hands and holding them closer to his chest. This isn't the response I was expecting.

"Lou, it's not that easy. The last time we saw each other was when you collected your things from here. You lived somewhere else. You only came back after the accident and so many things have changed--"

"Was that why you were so cold lately? That was it, right?" He asked, and I simply nodded.

"But you were at the hospital, which means that you care. That you still love me, right?" He kissed my hands and used it to cup his face, his tears still flowing down his cheeks. I wanted to tell him all the things he wants to hear, I didn't want to hurt him again like I did when the fight happened.

I've never seen him like this before. He looks so vulnerable, like any other thing could break him any time.

But he wiped his tears away, acted like nothing happened, like he's trying to stay strong. I can tell that he doesn't want to remember any more. He just sat there in silence like he's trying to compose his thoughts before I spoke up.

"I'm sorry Lou, I can't--"

"Baby, listen. I won't even ask about it anymore. Maybe the accident happened so we can start over, right? We'll be okay. I promise." He said, and I knew straight away that he wasn't thinking straight. It's not normal for anyone to just react this way. He was desperate-- like he needs something to hold on to while he still hasn't remembered everything.

I didn't want to torture him emotionally more than I already did, so I just nodded again, trying not to pull away when he pulls me in for a kiss. It was soft and gentle, exactly like how he'd kiss me before. I kissed him back with the same ease but I could not feel more empty.

It feels worse than when I cheated on him. It feels like I've put him under a spell to make him think he's in love with me when I know that in reality, the Louis that left me would rather be kissing Harry. It's one lie on top of another and I'm feeling for Louis-- the pain, the suffering, the burden of not being able to remember.

Because I couldn't love him like Harry can. Only he can chase the nightmares away and only he can make him glow like no one ever could.

In my head I apologized to Harry. Louis became a better person with him and that guy was never meant to be mine. I don't deserve Louis. Not even the Louis I first fell in love with.