SPACES [Editing]

All The Right Reasons

!!!!!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!

@lanazjm made a playlist for this book which includes the songs I placed in the previous chapters (YAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!!!!) it's on Spotify and you can find it here https://open.spotify.com/user/erin.batarseh/playlist/3KKUAVunkCWmX5yjcFQ69C

If it's unclickable, I'll just tweet it (@headbitchnarry) or put it on my profile or something :)

Things are happening fast now (at least in this chapter) so fasten your seat belts!

The plot twist starts at the end of this chapter.

Louis Tomlinson

From: Harry Styles (via text message(s))

I've thought about this for a while, I don't even know if you'll even read this but I'll give it a shot. I'm writing to give you something I wish I received: proper closure. I didn't want this to end without you knowing how I truly feel.

When I was young, I was taught by Gemma not to overindulge in the good things and I should have known that you were the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sorry I loved you. Okay, scratch that. I'm sorry I didn't try to be happy enough when you were with me. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. But I still love you, and I always will.

When you left me I felt so lost, I didn't know where to go. You were supposed to be my compass, remember? I had this crazy idea that you were going to be back until the realization hit me. I didn't even want to open my eyes because I knew I wasn't going to see yours. I was in denial, I thought I knew you weren't going to leave me like the rest of them. But you did. When you told me you weren't going to hurt me like they did, I mistook it as a promise that you will love me forever. I guess I was wrong.

I know I should be angry but what I have for you is just pure, unadulterated love. You probably think I'm crazy for holding on to you but I'm slowly learning how to let you go. You've given me so much to remember and I'm trying so hard not to think about you anymore. I've stopped asking questions after the last time we met. I just knew that whatever it is that you want, it wasn't me. They say that people could only hurt you if you let them and I did. I let you hurt me even if it meant having scars and wounds from the words you never said to me. All of my favorite feelings always come from you and now I just want to be numb.

It hurts so much, Lou. You knew how much I love you. I've given you so many pieces of me when I thought I didn't have anything left to give. You barely left pieces of you yet I still see you everywhere I look. It makes it hard for me to move on and I know I've taught you how and I secretly wish I didn't. I know I'll get there someday-- when hearing your name won't sound like nails on a chalkboard anymore and when the thought of your smile doesn't make me feel like tearing up. But I also know that I'm always going to look for you in every person I'm ever going to love. I have given you so much love that I don't think I'd ever love anyone just as much.

And I'll always be jealous of the next person who gets to hold you like I did. I'll always be jealous of your first meeting and I'll always be jealous of your first kiss and I'll always be jealous of the first time you'll ever mark his skin with the mouth you used to kiss me with.

But for now, I'm moving on. I know I could never be me again, not when I'm without you. I'll try and go back to the person I was before we met. I'm still hoping you'd come back and talk to me, even if that means we could only be friends.